The countdown has begun. Two more days to turning 22. And somehow, I'm not looking forward to it.

Not the way I looked forward to every birthday from the twelfth to the eighteenth year. Short of shaking pom-poms and doing cartwheels, I did everything I could possibly think of to celebrate growing up. Every year had been different then. I had looked back at a weridly wonderful year spent, and looked forward to the coming one with hope and anticipation. And yet, somehow, for the same exact reason, I'd like to pause and rewind my life a bit before the 22 arives with its full and final glory. I dont wanna turn 22. I try looking back and then I wish I would just frikkin stop with the whole trying to look back business. Because I have nothing, absolutely nothing to show for my last 4 years. My life's been at a stasis since I turned 19. I see no change in myself. Except the ones that are for the worst and nothing to write home about. Instead of growing as a person and an individual, I have apparently reversed and lost great big chunks of myself, chunks that I considered good and pure and simple and worthy. There have been no achievements at any level. I have not improved in anyway. My mental, physical and emotional states have pretty much detoriated. I have nothing to show for the last 4 years of my life. Nothing.

And that is what depresses me about turning 22. Happy Birthday to me!

Memphis calling me up one day before a major test that we were suppoosed to study for atleast for 2 weeks:

Memphis: Heeeeeeelpppp!
Me: What???
Memphis: Help kardoooo yaar!
Me: Lemme guess. You havent started studying YET for tomorrow and you want to know what topics are important, right?
Memphis: Im still amazed at how you know me so well.
Me: Lol, stop bullshitting. Paper pen lao, ill tell you the topics.

(2 mins spent looking for a pen)

Memphis: Ok, shoot.
Me: Ok, topic 1. Sewage sickness.
Memphis: Crap.
Me: Yeah, it basically means that.
Memphis: No. Crap. My pen just finished.
Me: hahahahahhhh why am I not surprised?

Here comes Bachelor No.1...

Currently the favourite game at my place is Who can we set Sohnii up with? The participants are my evil sisters and their some-what evil friends. The poor victim is me (and I am not enjoying it, contrary to what you think). The object of the game is to come up with an eligible bachelor, try to sell his idea to me and then attempt to fix the both of us up.

The ideal bachelors line-up has included, till now, their totally delicious, totally good looking, totally narcissistic friend. Rejected on the basis of being a big huge Snob. Next in line was their Chicago-born who had major brownie points for being an eklota bacha. Unfortunately, it turned out to be false information and he was, infact, the middle one in three brothers. So they rejected him too. (Funny that you should think I would be the one to reject a guy since I was being set up. It doesn’t quite work that way with this lot. They choose the guy, they reject him. Just adds to the list, as another one of those things I don’t really understand about them.)

Then their was the Super-nova Wolverine who happens to be pretty cute but shorter than me, and Crazy Mayo who is a friend of mine, cute in a very boy-next-door way but has the weirdest sense of humor this side of the planet. Him, I personally rejected. A girl’s gotta have her laughs proper. And now their nazr-e-karam has shifted to my friend Memphis. Please note my emphasis on the words my friend. That rejection was by me too, simply on the basis of those two very words.

The conclusion is that while they have their daily laughs, picking out guys and dissecting their very fabric of being discussing their personalities, I sit back and think being the youngest in their group isn’t so cool anymore. Like my dad always says, “its your curse. You have to live with it. Sag baash, duktarey/bache khurd na baash.” (Translated from Persian: better a dog then the youngest daughter/son.)

Sigh. I hate hospitals. Yes, this is coming from someone who is in 4th year of Med-school, just a year and a half shy from graduating. I hate hospitals. Even if they are as nice as AKU.

My friend's dad is sick. He had a stroke. Please people, everyone who reads this, please say a little prayer for him to get better. You might not know my friend, (he's a great dude by the way). You might not know his Dad, (I dont either). But he's someone's dad, someone's husband, someone's family. So please, just pray for him to get better.

Dad is here. Before I get used to the fact of having him around, he leaves. Two days are never enough.


I sent the email. Now, Im wondering two things.
1. Is that email address still working?
2. Was it stupid of me to send that email?


Something I read in The Garrick Year by Margaret Drabble. I haven't associated with anything so strongly since a very long time.

I find it takes very little time for me to become thoroughly bored. To me life seems to be perpetually on the verge of extinction, and I could bear anything rather than die in a moment of boredom. I feel that I am insulting something when I am bored. I began to miss London: it was not so much that I had many close friends there, for I have few friends, but I missed variety. My tastes are shallow; my life is shallow; and I like anonymity, change and fame. In Hereford I could have none of these things: I was condemned to familiarity, which beyond anything I find hard to mantain with ease.

The farewell made me realize just how much I will miss them. Before this I always thought of them as my sisters' friends. Now I realize that they have been my friends too for the past four years. Maybe not very close friends, not as much a part of my life as my regular group, but nevertheless, still my friends. I'll miss you guys. :(

Saw The Lake House over the weekend. It was a bit confusing to wrap my mind around the whole time glitch technicality thing at first. But I liked the movie. Yes, I did. Like most romantic movies, I loved this one too. Maybe I am too much of a sentimental fool to like all this romanic junk but kiya karein. They fill me with hope. And that's all I need most of the time. So yeah Lake House goes on my I Like list.

I feel good...

One of the nicest compliments I've ever gotten...

"I like your smile. You smile with all your heart. It says look at me, I'm happy within."

My baby's back... after two whole months, my baby's back!

Baby being mentioned here is my laptop whose little fan had died on me... so it went to get fixed with some guy my Dad knows... now after two whole months, my baby's back and there is no windows on it, no DOS on it, nothing except a black screen. The Mother-of-all-boards also died on me, apparently. And the page-up button has come off. Sigh! As we speak, Im trying to coax it back to life...

The fight for your rights is important even if its for something as small as your space on the bed while someone tries making it.

Im loving it!

Questionable Content by J. Jacques

Saw it at Maha's blog... just had to do it :D I tag everyone..

If I were a time of day, I would be... an Autumn eve.
If I were a non-human animal, I would be... a horse lol! Not very graceful I know but I LOVE horses.
If I were a direction, I would be... on a crossroad, pointing in all four directions. Thats how I feel most of the times.
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be... not a piece of furniture. Bilkul bilkul nahi.
If I were a liquid, I would be... pure clean water all the way!
If I were a tool, I would be... a hammer… no wait… a drill… im annoying enuff :D
If I were a kind of weather, I would be... autumn rain!
If I were a mythical creature, I would be... a mermaid :D or a fairy… maybe a mermaid that had fairy magical powers…
If I were a musical instrument, I would be... a guitar.
If I were a color, I would be... a shade of deep red
If I were a sound, I would be... Dido's Here with me...
If I were a movie, I would be... Meet Joe black :D or the epic Romeo n Juliet without the Romeo dyin in the end. I dont really like my men dead.
If I were a food, I would be... fried chillies!
If I were a material, I would be... silk, aur kiya.
If I were a word, I would be... great!
If I were a facial expression, I would be... a grin
If I were a month, I would be... September (autumn is so me!)
If I were a day of the week, I would be... wednesday... pata nahi kiyu... dont ask me why, i duno either.
If I were a planet, I would be... venus
If I were a tree, I would be... umm... a tree?
If I were a flower/plant, I would be... a daissssssssyyy :D
If I were a fruit, I would be... an orange.
If I were an article of clothing, I would be... a sariii.
If I were a Disney character, I would be... sleeping beauty :D she was the prettiest :D
If I were an online abbreviation, I would be... lol!
If I were a hairstyle, I would be... straight, long, lucious locks!
If I were a number, I would be... ah... next question
If I were a kitchen device, I would be... definitely a good sharp knife... lol, maybe a belan... all you who mock me, be wary of the fury of belannnn muah ha ha ah

My best friend is hurting and I dont know what to do, what to say, how to stop the pain. Im hurting too.

I love you C.

I dont remember where I heard or read this but for some reason, I've been thinking about it the whole day...

With perfect strangers, people we dont even know, we are courteous and kind. The people we love, however, our family, our friends, the rest of the works... these are the people who get our back lashing, our unkind words, our temper tantrums and our contempt.

Also have been thinking...
House job requires wokin for 36 hrs every other day for most of the one year here in Pakistan. I can hardly keep my eyes open and myself alert after 6-8 hours of college. How the hell will I manage after I graduate? Real world... Im sorry, Im not ready for you yet.

Lights are out. Its half past five in the morning and the lights went out some 45 minutes ago. Me and moti mao are the only ones up. Its hot. Well, not so much. But there are definitely a lot of mosquitoes that keep biting me. Do they bite? Im not sure. I know they suck blood. What’s the terminology I'm looking for over here? But anyway lights are out and I’m sitting here with nothing better to do except blog. Ive been trying to watch a movie since 3 am. Jennifer Aniston’s Friends with money. Its actually a pretty good one. I love the whole subliminal-deeper-message-touching-reality types. Something that keep me thinking till later on. Been watching Oprah’s 20th anniversary special edition too. Have gotten through two dvds with the help of a lot of tissues. That woman is bent on making me cry every 5 to 10 minutes. Whats with putting all the heart touching stories on the first dvd anyway. And I do like her show.

Its been raining like anything around here. Yesterday when Sana and I were out Chips n kebab shopping, there were mini rivers flowing on the roads outside within a matter of 10 minutes. It was a whole separate ordeal getting to the car then. We proceeded by swapping chappalz, me carrying Sana’s shoes and going barefoot till the car, making my way through the rivers and streams. No I'm not really the hippie type who dances in the rain, jumps in puddles and connects with Mother Nature. I do like dancing in the rain but jumping in puddles is just not me. And as for connecting with Mother Nature, I think I’ve done more than my fair share by letting these blood sucking mosquitoes feast on me. What can I say. Lol, I’m delicious.

So anyway there we were, making our way through river Nile, poor me bare foot, carrying groceries in one hand and Sana’s shoes in the other till we made it to the car. And what do you know. An hour later, her room got flooded by rain water coming through the connecting balcony door and her same precious, previously dry shoes were floating in it and well, not so dry anymore. He he (evil laugh)… I guess Mother Nature really does like me. So that was that for Naz and my best-laid plans. Karachi turned into a giant swimming pool and we decided to call our movie night off. After that I proceeded to eating all the noshes I had bought earlier for the two of us, while watching LOST. Hey if I was watching for two, I had to eat for two as well, nahi?
Now, its getting a little hot and im hoping the lights come back soon. Movie watching and finishing has been postponed till later. I just wanna have a good, non-sticky shut-eye.
Hmmm… other than that, the fact that I disappeared of the scene of blogging and all you lovely people missed me, it had much to do with our Pc modem dying on me, my laptop still with somebody else, going home for an engagement ceremony (not mine, you twits), and just being too plan lazy to actually write something, all in the above order. Hope you guys did all right without me (at least say Sohnii we missed you :D). I shall now have to bid all you lovely people adios. Im sticky and itchy and sleep deprived. But most of all, I'm hot (you know I am **wink wink**) And that my friends is a dangerous combination. So that’s it for today. Enjoy the rain and keep safe.

Motii Mao

Since my browser still refuses to show me verification boxes and I cant comment on people's blogs anymore, I shall have to resort to lower means... like commenting on people's post via writing my own blog...

So here's to Khizzy who wrote abt pets... :D I have one too, Khizzy, a cat, who is also gay, only its a 'she' and is actually not so much gay, but more of a anti-cat mano billi. She HATES cats. She really actually does. Wonder where she go that from though.

I like being looney at 2 in the night

At Mrs. R's place....

Mrs. R's dad: Kiya huaaaaaaa
Mrs. R: Aba chakkkaaaaaa marraaaaa
Mrs. R's dad: kis neeeyyyyyy
Mrs. R: Pakistaaaaannnn neyyyyy
(After 5 seconds)
Mrs. R's dad: Kiyaa huaaaaaa.....

And when the kids at her place wouldnt stop torturing the murgha, he ran (flapped?) to the roof and put his head into the loo there and commited suicide.

*****
:)

Janni Bhai's 8 year old cousin: If you wish hard enough, the ice cream van comes.

*****

Baby Titan (when he was 8, maybe 9) scribbled this down for Chicki. (This is something coming from someone who's always had a room that looked like a garage sale):

Ive learnt that just when you get the room the way you like it, Mom makes you clean it up.

*****

Its my mommyz birthday.... :D

Ok, my browser for some reason is screwed up. It wont show the verification box which means i cant comment on blogs that have this function turned on. So please people, turn it off. I wanna go back to being able to comment on everyone's posts ... pretty please :D

P . S: Sobia you are one brave woman to be holding up your front that way :)

P.P.S : Mahnoor... ur blog has disappeared.... :O

Aunty H's daughter is a lark. At different instances during our conversation:

Her: My son was really tiny as a baby and I was scared someone would step on him so I wud carry him around all the time. My family gave him a nick name after that.
Mom: what?
Her: they started calling him my mobile.

Her: I didnt tel anyone when I found out I had Gall stones.
Mom: why?
Her: I was hoping they would get lost by themselves.

Da da da....

World cup's finally over...

Italy won. I am not that sorry, they played an excellent match... they were excellent on the field. Ive little (very very little) know-how of football but man, they were solid and quick. They deserved to win.

Still feel a little bad for Zidane and the career end with the red card but even then his head butt was awesome. And he still won the Golden ball Award...

So here's to Zidane and what the final for me was all about :D...

Nahiiiii ....

Italy won :(

poor Zizou ...

What Godzilla said to God when his name wasn't found in the Book of Life

A song title I came across... I have no idea what Godzilla said in case you were wondering...

Watching Fifa Finals:

Zinedine Zidane:

Ok I haven't been in awe of someone (at TV distance ) like this for a very long time. And this was even before I found out he was muslim (which is brownie points for me all the way)

Man, he is sooo amazing...
and seriously, this time not solely based on his looks. His whole attitude on the field is so zabardast... except for the latest red card header obviously. Haye I hope Zizou wins...


Oh and if anyone cares, he is a muslim, his origin being Kabyle from La Castellane, an Algerian Frenchman.

I really hope France wins the penalty shots... (will find out by the time I finish this post)

Ive waited and waited and waited for something exciting to happen in my life.

Still waiting.

What Ive been doing lately...

Saw Original Sin...
(yeah, Im slow.. :P ... atleast i got around to it.)

Luis: Christ! You'll be the death for me.
Julia: Oh... I hope so.

Louis: Whore! Liar! Thief! Dont you see? Dont you see that I cannot breath without you? I cannot live without you? Dont you see that? Dont you see how much I love you?

(haye... how sweet... Oh wouldnt it be nice to be loved so much! sigh... i meant by Antonio B :P)

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Saw Xmen 3:

Dr. Jean Grey: You would die for them?
Logan: No not for them... for you.
Dr. Jean Grey: Save me...
Logan: I love you...

(Oh man... Logan is sooooo hot! :D)

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Saw Underworld: Evolution :

(Im disappointed... even tho i love movies involving myth and all, the only thing nice abt this one was Scott Speedman)

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Read Veronika Decides to Die by the guy that wrote The Alchemist... a must read...

At Amy's place sometime ago:

Amy: So is Lint everything you wanted in a guy?
Me: (thinkin) yeah, i guess...
Amy: So weirdo, why aren't you with him when you know he's crazy about you?
Me: uh..

I didnt know what to tell her. Didnt know how to answer that. So I e-mailed her this song instead. She never asked me that question again.

Everything You Want... Vertical Horizon

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it

Now you're here and you don't know why
But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

So FIFA WORLD CUP 2006 started today. And Ive been ordered by dady dearest to stay away from the TV till it finishes. For the next few weeks, this place will undergo soccer frenzy while my Dad, brother and sister will obsess about every little move made on the field. And since I find it very easy to get caught up in the hype, you might just find me posting about it every now and then.

Spent the day at Amy's place. That girl is infectious, i swear. She's a train wreck waiting to happen most of the time. But man, is she fun to be with or what. She told me something concerning somebody I care a whole lot about. I was about to TXT my somebody-i-care-about-a-lot and tell her about the little piece of information i had just recieved when i remembered what Dr. A had told me a few days ago.
We had a Muscle Dystrophy patient come in the other day with little chances of survival beyond his teen years (the condition cannot be cured), and I wanted to know if we should find out whether any of his other siblings had the same condition. Why take away somebody's reason to be happy? Let them be, dont tell them anything, when nothing can be done, Dr. A had replied.
So today I did that. I erased the sms I had written and i put the cell back into my purse. I care about her and her being happy way too much... my lips are sealed.

P.s: maybe I'll post about Dr. A someday. The man is dynamic. I havent been blown off my feet like this since I met Dr. Shuro.

p.p.s: Germany won: 4-2. Dad and Baby Titan are discussing the last goal of the game and betting on whether Poland or Ecuador(spl?) will come thru. See what i meant.

Came across this on someone's profile on orkut while browsing...
(and since this certain someone is a friend's friend, all names will be witheld.... but feel free to laugh if u find it funny :D.... talk about taking things literally... he he how very gross)

Turn-ons: public displays of affection

And while I am on the topic of haw-hawing about what everyone's been upto, we (Spaz and I) saw a girl at a wedding, who Spaz later told me, was a 'total bitch'. Yep, those were her words. I wondered the reason behind them, whether it was cuz Ms. Total Bitch had
a) ruined Spaz's life
b) stolen Spaz's boyfriend
c) not paid back her loan taken from Spaz
d) stolen Spaz's job
e) any combination of the above

So i asked Spaz why Ms. TB was... well, such a Total bitch.

Reason: the woman was wearing loads of vamp -like make up at a mela really late in the night.

And here i was thinking, I was messed up and bloody opinionated.

Every now and then...

Do you think its weird that 80 % of the smsz I send start with a LOL?

Compliment of the day: You're going to be a good doctor someday. You know how to cheer people up.
*** :D I feel like patch adams already. Oh the little ray of sunshine me. ***

Kate and Leopold: Love is a leap. I was never inspired to jump.

Victor Hugo: The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. Loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.

A cure for my blues and the reason for my recent sore thumb: Grand Theft Auto III. All hail the people who made Play station 2. God bless you folks.

To one of my best friends Princess Fuz: I changed. You changed. The amazing part is ‘we’ dint. That is what great friendships are all about. Love ya girl!

Its a little unnerving when you cant tell your best friend about your year old blog, cuz you're scared that she'll read it and figure out things about you (since she happens to be a smartass and knows you the way nobody else does) that even you arent willing to admit to yourself.

Filmy. Very filmy.

I thrive on drama. So much so that now the pattern of ‘ordinary’ in life scares me. The luke warmness of emotions is terrifying. I asked a friend what are you passionate about? He gave me the usual work and studies reply. No problem. I take that as an answer, just not a very good one.
Yes I have seen too many Indian movies. And read too many romance novels. Listened to a few too many songs. To the point that now a life without a lot of happiness expressed in the loudest manner ever, a life without the deepest sorrow, a life without love that scalds your heart and burns through your soul, a life with no idea about notions like ecstasy, love, passion, hate, anger, bliss, madness.. a life devoid of feelings in their purest and primal form, a life that just consists of days being spanned out to merely fulfill the act of existing… to me, this life doesnt seem a life at all.
Unless you can cry tears that will shake the heavens, and laugh even harder… live, hope and dream in the noisiest and most dramatic way ever…. Unless you dont do that, how will you ever know you really lived?

To belong or not to belong...

For the first time in 21 years and 8 months of my life, I feel like an outsider in my own city. I dont understand why people here think the way they do. Im past the point of being able to comprehend their reasoning. I feel like I am being judged and scrutinized. I make others uncomfortable with all that I say and all that I do. And now, I am starting to make myself uncomfortable as well. For the first time in my life, I feel like I dont belong here anymore.

Muah ha ha

Ratigan: Oh, I love it when I'm nasty.

The Great Mouse Detective

Musing (abusing)...

The funny thing about quetta… not the funny Oh my god, that's so funny, I think I gave myself a heart attack from laughing so much, but the other funny Oh my god, am I really from this God forsaken place funny… so anyway, the funny thing about quetta is that this city is so frikkin small that its like high school all over again. You go out with somebody, you break up and you start going out with someone else. Chances are the next someone else is the previous someone else's best friend. Then you break up with the second someone else and start dating a third person, who turns out to be a cousin of the second someone else. Yep, that's how far you get to go, that's how big this city really is.
All I gotta say is, Thank God for our parents, who we are still scared shit off. We never got around to doin the dating scene when we were still in quetta. Sort of makes me feel better to know that my potential/non-existent boyfriend hasnt already dated half of this city.

Currently, my fave song: Ek nazar mey bhi pyaar hota hai…

Been watching: Scent of a woman… WHoo ha!

Xena, the warrior princess, and Dr. K getting married… how very weird. Truly peculiar.

Droopy’s sister S got married. Her mamoo called from KL and cried his eyes out on the phone. I dont think it was the marriage or losing S part he was crying about. It was probably the realization of the amount of time gone by that hit him. Funny how we need speed breakers like that to make us stop and breathe.

I think beauty is wasted on some people if they dont have anything else to show for it. Have I said that before? i have right? just goes to show how very strongly i believe in it.

Tried and tested: to avoid getting constipated due to change in diet and water, eat lots of achaar. An upset stomach is just a small insignificant consequence. Can be easily ignored. At least you arent constipated anymore.

I desperately hold on to the faith that life doesnt need to be this hard. That happiness is a choice.

Temping!

Have you heard?
Im temping.

I was motivated. With all the recent hype in our class about who is doing what, with whom and where (Im talking about electives/internships, you sickos :P), I thought why not put my hols to a 'good' use as well. It will be some extra credit (that I have no idea will be helpful in any way later on, or not). Most importantly, it will make my parents happy.

Happy parents = Satisfied parents = no daily queries about whether I am studying or not = 6 weeks of no comments about how I shouldn't be wasting my time = happy me.

Yes, we all have ulterior motives. Spending six uneventful weeks at home with everyone in a good mood seems to be mine.

So a week ago, I put my grand plan into action and set foot into the world of crying children, pooping babies and smelly wards. I started working in the Paeds Department.

Safo says she loves doing her electives at UPenn. She's having the time of her life, she's made new friends and she's trying to experience the place on her own too. She even got lost once recently when she set out to sightsee.

Hmm… funny how things aren't very different at my side either. I did lots of getting lost too... In fact, I lose my way all the time. In the hospital hallways, in its grounds, in its parking lot. So you can imagine all the fun Im having. If you're there and happen to see a girl in a white coat, carrying a purse and a journal, walking straight ahead, gaze fixed on the ground, come say hi to me.
You might also see a man running after me, saying, Baji baji, where are you going? The OPD is the other way.
That's my dad's driver. Say hi to him too. He loves the attention. :D
The gaze down and fixed is a rule, by the way. Self-inflicted, I might add. Have you ever been to quetta? You'd understand if you had.

Yeah, so like Safo, I've made friends too. There's Akhtar, my dad's peon. He's a total sweetheart, bent on converting me, a no-tea person, into a tea-oholic by the time I go back to Karachi. Then there are the Consultants I am working with, Dr. A and Dr. B. Under-paid, over-worked, good souls. And of course, the male House Officers; how could I forget them. They make it a point to stare. A lot. I mean, seriously dudes, that's so last century. And the attendants who come with the kids. The female lot mistakes me for a doctor and showers me with smiles and admiration. The male lot mistakes me for a doctor and turns their back on me, pointedly ignoring my presence, while talking to the consultants.
Yeah, these are my friends. See, one big happy family.

Of course being mistaken for a doctor isnt always this fun or comfortable. A lot of patients come up asking for directions. I told one woman that I didnt know the way either. She gave me a really evil look (all residents of our dear city will know what Im talking about. Our qta-women can make your skin curl and convert you into sputtering pile of putty with that look if you arent careful. You’ll wish you were dead and six feet under already.)
So now with all direction-seekers, I pretend to not know their language. It makes things so much easier.

And then there were some people who mistook me for a doctor, came up to me and asked me for lots more then just directions. What was my reaction, you ask?
A sputtering pile of putty.
I blushed, I stammered, and then I picked up my jaw from where it had fallen on the ground and tried making a cool exit. (These are the perves, I warn you. Steer clear, steer clear.)
Yeah, so that was that. I dont think I’ll be living down this one anytime soon.

Oh, but then it comes to the kids.
And Im it...
I dont need any convincing. Just when you think you've had enough with screaming babies, weird parents, noisy families, a mother will bring in her year old baby, who was born pre-mature at 7 months, has low immunity, and is currently suffering from a chest infection and fever. And also, that baby happens to have the widest, biggest, most beautiful smile that you've seen in the whole day. He goo-gaas at you, slobbers on your hand while you examine him and apparently doesnt know what crying is. Or an 8 year old girl will come in, who looks like a pixie, smiles at you from behind her elder sister and collapses into fits of giggles when the doctor tries examining her stomach. Or the 6 year old boy with big eyes, who comes in straight from school, still in his uniform, too sleepy to sit straight on the stool. Even when they are sick, these kids warm your heart and touch your soul.

On your way home then, despite all the perves, and the weirdos, and the intolerable family members, your find yourself thinking, yeah, today was a good day.

My two cents' worth

I will hurl if I ever hear a guy call one of his friends janu, jaan (or anything similar) again...
When we ladies say stuff like that, we look cute.
When you guys say it, you sound gay.
So quit it.

In other headlines, too much wedding talk. Uff... way too much wedding talk. A friend is getting nikah-fied soon. Is ecstatic. Whoopdeedoo. I am happy for her, I really am, she is an excellent friend of mine but excuse me if I dont feel like getting hitched ASAP or like in the next thirty years or so. Another friend that has already married a couple of months ago is a constant billboard for wedding bliss, an eye sore for a cynic like me. Yet another friend is getting engaged in the summer to her cousin. She is too far away to hit or curse with any effective results.
So there.
Im in an extra-nauseous mood nowadays so if there is any more talk of weddings or happily-ever-afters around me again, I will hurl. I repeat, I will huff and puff and HURL. Disgusted yet? Lets move on.

I think the actual trouble is liking someone. Im not talking about love or lust or all the other boring lyrical flowery yada yadas. Im talking about genuine appreciation for someone. Like Sarah JP put it in Ellen's show:
In the long run, you gotta like em. All the other stuff is in a moment that goes away.

I totally agree with you female, even though you remind me a little too much of my youngest aunt, which makes me want to change the channel everytime I see you... but nevertheless you are absolutely right. I think, no wait, I know... I know you have to appreciate somebody, appreciate all that they are about, like them for who they are to be able to bear them, tolerate them, compromise for them and to be able to love them in the long run.

Im sorry if I look/sound like such a deer-caught-in-the-headlights cynic when it comes to the marriage deal but even though, at a few rare lose-ur-mind-and-watch-it-melt-away instances I have imagined myself to be in love, now I dont think it was worth the effort. I never began with liking the person for who he was, it was flattering to be liked/loved and from thereon, for short delusionary periods I imagined myself to be in love. But now, in complete sanity, I'll tell you I was not. In love, that is. The delusional part Im not commenting on.

So yes. I will convert from my reject-all-things-called-marriage way of life.
Dont fret Mum, I will. One day.
When and if I meet someone, I can totally and honestly appreciate. Appreciate him for his mind, his brilliance (if he has any), his visions, his character, his honesty and his genuinness (is that even a word??... but you get the zist dont you)
Once there is the appreciation, there will be respect and eventually, hopefully, perhaps with time, there may even be love.

Till then, singledome is not so bad after all :D

P.s: Came across one of Aisha's latest posts, The overseas marriage thing, and even though it has nothing in relevance to my insane midnight ramblings, I thought it was a really good read.

Bored with existence

I dont know how my hours are spent. Everyday slips into the next, eventless and vague. I cant recall anything I did yesterday or the day before or a week ago. I find myself hypnotized and stupefied by the TV noise and the colours are a blur. The calendar shows me a stretch of days, a stretch of time with repeated movement that constitute of feeding myself and sleeping. Bored with existence.

I stare at the screen, waiting for it to light up. A part of me believes you miss me but I wonder who will break first. You or me? The thought of showing my weakness in front of you is the only thing that is keeping me from dialling your number. My ego wont allow me that luxury. How long will your resolve last? I stare at the screen and wonder.

When I had convinced myself of your insignificance and bolted all doors in your face, all it took was a simple reference of ‘aap’ to remind me of you.

To Dazed, with love: Some days, I could just wring your neck and walk away.

A year. 12 months. Seems centuries ago. Sees like happened to somebody else. All that remains is a dull ache. Like a forgotten ailment, that hurts every once in a while to remind you of its existence. Pulsates in the background. Instead stands a gaping hole. 12 months and counting.

And then I saw you...

I dream. A lot.
Literally, figuratively, metaphorically… in all ways that one can dream. My actual dreams are turning into nightmares. Into actual nightmares. I wake up sweating, trying to shake their vividness off. If I was scared before, I am terrified now. I dont think I'll ever be able to trust
again.

On to brighter topics..

You know how you go to some blogs and they've posted poetry and song lyrics and stuff like that, and you skip all of it.
Well... dont do it now.
I know I post a lot of songs.
I know it gets boring every now and then.
But seriously... this song, dont skip it.

Pat green… Wave on wave

Mile upon mile got no direction,
We're all playin the same game.
We're all looking for redemption,
Just afraid to say the name.

So caught up now in pretending,
That what we're seekin is the truth.
Im just looking for a happy ending,
All Im looking for is you.

You came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save?
You came upon me wave on wave.

I wandered out into the water,
And I thought that I might drown
I dunno what I was after,
I just know I was goin down.

Thats when she found me
Im not afraid anymore
She said “You know I always had ya baby
Just waitin for you to find what you were looking for.”

You came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here.
Am I the one you were sent to save
When you came upon me wave on wave.

Wave on wave
Wave on wave

The clouds broke and the angels cried
You aint gotta walk alone
Thats why he put me in your way
And you came upon me wave on wave.

And you came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here.
Am I the one you were sent to save
When you came upon me wave on wave.

Bucky Covington performed it in last week's show...
Excellent excellent excellent... Im speechless...
So this is a tribute to him, to his amazing voice, to the double cute-ness (the Buck n Rock of it :D)...
oh and to Chicki... who is crazy about him....:D

Yes I have a lot of farigh time...

American Idol... the programme is entertaining... the aftermath isnt.


The stupid music company, Im guessing he signed up with Clive, have managed to turn him into a sugary pop princess...
Sob...
My Bo...
...who managed to make it to the top 2 last year
...who sang the hell out of Vehicle, For the love of money, I cant get no satisfaction and Sweet Home Alabama...

They took the King of Rock and turned him into Britney Spears... sob....

Lets hope his next album is more him...




Meanwhile...

Im rooting for Chris Daughtry in the hots department.

He is so much better then Vin Diesel. Please stop comparing them...

And oh boy, can he sing :D







For everyone who thinks Taylor isnt cute.... need I say more?? he he...

Sundays are slow and Mondays are blue

Ace is hot. But Chris is hotter. No no… hottest ive decided. Right up there with Eric Bana, a little below Bo Bice. Bo Bice toh is Maha hot! :D And he came on the show this week, the night the boys sang. Was in the audience. And they only showed him once. I mean, he did make it to the finals and he ALMOST won last year didnt he. They could at least ask him to say something or at least they couldve showed him more than once.

I have decided that Im going to obsess freakishly about American Idol whether anyone likes it or not. Till May at least, when they will tell all us sad obsessed stalker lot who won. Then as always, I wont bother finding out if the winner actually got around to making an album. That reminds me, Bo Bice’s new album needs to go on my MUST HAVE list.

Something else on my MUST HAVE list is a digital camera. Yes Im still in the dark ages, I dont have a digi-cam. So now I want one. Very very very bad. The new Sony Cybershot. The thin sleek model. My hands start itching every time I see one. Anyone out there who happens to be in lurve with me and who also happens to be filthy rich (the mysterious ways of fate… Ive a rule about never questioning them)… please get me that camera. I promise to love u back forever and ever and ever. Or at least I'll pretend I do while you can promise you wont know the difference. Illusions are better then the truth sometimes. What you dont know wont hurt you, you know.

A friend of mine made my day yesterday. What would've otherwise been an extremely boring Sunday was just boring, because I spent a hour and a half in the afternoon chatting with her. It is strangely fun and liberating being able to laugh on nothing in particular. And babe, when you call me Churail, I know you're just suffering from an inferiority complex cuz Im so fab... muah ha ha ha!!!! (evil laugh in case you dint know)

Ooh Oohhhh and I finally finally finished A million little pieces by James Frey. An incredibly easy read. Loved the way he wrote it. Its funny how he came on Oprah's show a few months back, how she did her usual the whole the book was so good, I couldn't put it down act and how a few months later she was all huffy puffy and upset cuz some of the stuff he had written was fabricated. Well, fact or fiction, whatever you wanna call it, the book is good. It is well-written and it is interesting.

Some excerpts from it are :

I want to run or die or get fucked up. I want to be blind and dumb and have no heart. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I want to wipe my existence straight off the map. Straight of the fucking map.

I took a lot of punches for that bull shit, and every time I threw a punch back, and I threw one back every single time, I threw it back for her. I threw it back as hard as I fucking could and I threw it back for her.


And now for my very fave part, where I leave you with the song of the week…
this is Everything by Alannis Morrisette..
cheerios all you lovely folks... Ta!

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you've never met anyone
As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I'm the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
As positive as I am sometimes

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive agressiveness can be devistating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone who's closed down as I am sometimes

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I am the funniest woman that you've ever known
I am the dullest woman that you've ever known
I am the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate

And you're still here
And you're still here
And you're still here

Been reading

The Young man came to the Old man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It's in a million little pieces.
I'm afraid I cant help you.
Why?
Theres nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
It's broken beyond repair. Its in a million little pieces.
- A million little pieces by James Frey

01. 03. 2006

11:00 pm
In bed. Dog tired. Very proud of myself for making an attempt to correct my sleeping habits.

11:10 pm
Intercom rings.
Table seems a million miles away. Cant get up. Dont wanna get up. Dont get up.

11:15 pm
Sms beep. Ann tells me not to worry.

11:20 pm
Intercom again.
Nope. Still not getting up.

11:39 pm
Sms beep. Dazed thinks im rude. An acronym he made up which is actually pretty sweet in its context compared to the word itself.

11:48 pm
Sms beep.
Message memory almost full. Delete old messages. Takes me 2 minutes. Back to new sms. Shanz discusses a mutual friend's father's death.
Depressing topic. I feel like crying again.

11:53 pm
Sms beep. Memphis says basant is on Sunday and am I still mad at him?

11:59 pm
Sms beep. Memphis again.
Yeah M, I'll mark your proxy. Go away now. Shoo shoo...

12:06 am
Sms beep. Lint is annoyed at me. Says mean stuff.
I delete the sms. Sorry dude, too frikkin late in the night to deal with emotional baggage.

12:15 am
Intercom rings. Cousin enters room in an attempt to pick it up. Said cousin lives downstairs. Said call is also from downstairs. Said writer thinks her family goes mad after 10 pm.

12:20 am
Intercom again.

*sigh* *curse* *mutter*
Yeah?
Aunt wants to know if I was sleeping.

12:25 am
Intercom rings.
Should I ignore it?
Grand mum wants to know which upstairs door is open.
Get out of bed and check all doors. No door is open.

12:32 am
Sms beep. Memphis is eternally grateful. Apparently my proxy-marking ability has him bound and loyal to me for as long as he lives.
Wonder if he'll feel any pain if I strangle him with his kite string.

12:34 am
Beep beep. IB wants to know if Im sleeping.
Almost tempted to say yes I am, I have this amazing power of answering messages without actually haing to wake up. How cool is that, right.

12:36 am
Sms beep. Sum asks about tomorrow's strike status. Will anyone burn our bus if we go on that field trip.
That idea seem very pleasant in my current state of sanity (insanity?)

12:40 am
Beep beep. Another sms.
Ib thinks I need some excitement in my life.

12:45 am
Awful headache. Cant think straight. Panadol zindabad.

01:00 am
Out of bed. Lights on. Headache has turned into a full raging migraine. The whole irani circus is running around and jumping on my nerves.
Silently contemplate a digging site in my room, where I could murder my cell phone and intercom and give them a proper burial.

And just this afternoon, I thought life was boring.

p.s: to anyone who says why dont I turn my cell phone off, im in perpetual fear of missing out on some life altering news in case I turn my mobile off.
Yes, im mad, I know.
Unfortunately in my case, its a full 24 hour affair instead of the familial after 10 deal.

I first saw you a few years ago, and thought you were oh-so-good-looking and fine…
I waited for something else to appear.
A wicked sense of humor maybe...
kick-ass attitude...
originality...
amiability...
or a little character perhaps… ???
anything that could support your physical perfection…

So I waited..
And waited..
And waited…

I cant believe that **this**is all there is to you…
I cant believe how disappointed I am…
oh well..

The good, the bad and the ugly

2:00 am: Passing through Clifton:

I love these streets. Wide and wonderfully lit.
And there on the sidewalks, I saw people settling down into corners, getting ready to sleep. Torn worn-out clothes, unshaven faces, just a thin chaddar to cover themselves with through the night. These were the bad lot.

I looked at them and pitied their life. They chose to live on these streets, sleep on the ground, go hungry for days and all that for what? The momentary high that a needle prick provided? What a waste of life.

(Im told I suffer from a mental condition where I think too much.) Then I thought about the rest of us who had gotten it right. It being the concept, the logic, the gist of life. Were we any happier? Like rats in a maze, who keep running into the same corner again and again, or like the mouse running in the same spot in the small rudder who is made to believe what he is doing is essential for existence. Werent our lives much more empty and meaningless at times, with not even the solace of the same needle prick to look forward to? At least their high, when it came, was complete and perfect. Could we say the same for our elation?

Someone very close to me was (is?) into drugs… we were talking about it and I implied that its not something one should get involved in, yeh achey logo key karney key kaam nahi hain. He looked at me and said, does it change who I am? Does it make me a bad person then?

To date I havent been able to answer that.

Had this person not been an important part of my life, I wouldve promptly replied, yes it makes you a bad person. There’s a black area and a white area, the right and the wrong and you just crossed the line between it. So yes, that makes you a very very bad person. However knowing this person made all the difference. I dont think he is a bad person, havent ever thought that for a single minute. I guess feelings do that, make you biased to the faults of the people you love. To someone else he might be a junkie, an addict, a good-for-nothing but to me he is a friend who messed up somewhere along the way. A friend who's a vegetable under external influences most of the time, is nevertheless way better than someone who cant hold anything except his sick mind and perverted ways of thinking responsible for his actions.

This discussion made me wonder some more. So I was a good girl for not going near drugs. He did drugs but I didnt think him the true bad.

Question was… if a junkie didnt make it into this clique, who did?
If drugs dont make a person bad, then what does?

Word cloud... Saw this over at Casa's blog and thought of doing it too...:D

Ace Young.... chicas feast your eyes.... (haye, he doesnt compare to Bo.... but he's hot!!!! :D).... and so continues the American Idol madness.... 

Taylor Hicks.... (awww.... cutey shmootey...:D) 

Reality TV and me :D

Last night was one of the very few times in my life Ive been insomniac so now I have insomnia-induced endorphins running around and jumping off the walls... Soooooo I decided to grace you with another post... two posts in 24 hours... count yourself lucky... muahaaahaahaha....
(its the endorphins talking... i swear... :/)

Ive decided that Taylor Hicks is the cutest thing to hit TV with this years's American Idol. Ofcourse, Ace is the hottest, but we're talking about cute... so Taylor Hicks it is :D.... two reasons....
a. He reminds me of George Clooney
b. He is just SO adorable, george clooney or not!!! :D

So until further notice, he is my fave contestant for this year, and I repeat, Ace Young (really) is the hottest...

p.s: I wish they'd call Bo Bice on the show to judge or better yet, sing this year... that'll be IT for me :D

Hell is empty. All the devils are here...

10:36 pm
Today is another one of those days where I have SO much to say but here I am, the blogger page open since the last 15 minutes, and I have NO idea what to write.

Much later:

I remember reading somewhere once that app logo k aibo pey parda dalo, Allah ap key aibon pey parda dalein gey (Hide other people's flaws from the world, and Allah will hide your flaws from the world too).

I have my usual bitching sessions every now and then, consequences of being a human, but being the daughter of a mother who breathes and lives her morals and principles, I have more than my usual fair share of ethic-attacks on my poor little conscience.
Especially nowadays, im so majorly sick and annoyed of people slaggin each other off.
PLEASE! STOP ALREADY! If you hadnt noticed im so NOT interested.
Im sick and Im tired of your rantings about how evil he/she really is, how much they suck, and about how you are way better then them. I mean seriously, please stop talking already. If I really wanted to sit and nit-pick their flaws with you, I wouldn't be looking so constipated with my fake half-smile now would I? All you're managing to achieve with this tirade of yours is ruining your own image in front of me. So please, just go away, leave me alone.

And on a completely different note, the song for today is The scientist by Cold play:

Come up to meet you, tell you Im sorry
You dont know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh its such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh its such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
Im going back to the start

Note to self:

When we talked about the whole burning the ships behind you thing, I also meant the little life boat you keep for every now and then.

The Quartet Meme

Aisha insists (or so id like to think :D) to wake me from my slumber...

Four Jobs I've Had in My Life...
1. Baby Titan's tutor from grade 3 to grade 8.
And thats about it. Now that i think about it, i wasnt even paid for it, except for the usual Awwwwwww... but he's your brotherrrrrrr........

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have...
1. Meet Joe Black (what do u mean why?? Two words: Brad Pitt)
2. Romeo n Juliet
3. Dil Chahta hai
4. Little Women

Four Places I Have Lived
1. Quetta
2. Karachi (and that's it... )

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch
1. Friends
2. Gilmore Girls
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Lost

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation
1. France
2. Italy
3. England
4. Srilanka

Four Books I Love
1. Little women
2. Pride and Prejudice
3. Life isn't all ha hee hee
4. Parsa

Four Websites I Visit Daily
1. Blog line up
2. Hotmail
3. Orkut
4. Msn groups

Four Favorite Foods
1. Pizza/ Burger n fries
2. Haleem
3. Fried Chilli (the way aayi makes them)
4. Fish n chips

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now
1. B-Adams concert (long story.. Sigh)
2. Somewhere on a nice beach
3. Paris
4. Home (with mum)

Four People Whom I Tag Next
1. Zuljin (I highly doubt he'll get around to doing it tho)
2. Sum
3. Tooth paste
4. Mahnoor

Sleep deprived and caffeine-driven inanity…

…I like who you are. But I hate sharing. The extent of your phone book scares me.

…If you could have a small stone for every time you miss me, the egoistic and self-centered part of me wants you to have enough to be able to cause some serious damage.

…I wont allow my life to be a compromise. Ever.

…Why do they kill the cute guy in the end of the movie? Four brothers was good otherwise.

…No Poogle, I dont know what is wrong with me. I wish I did. I want this more than anything else. But I cant help it.

…Memories. Funny things. How much of them is actually real and how much of it do we idolize and blow up to be all pretty and perfect?

…The memory of him seems perfect. Untarnished. The first. The beginning. I dont want him to come back in my life. The memory would lose its perfection then.

…Im still using dial-up internet. Yes, shoot me now. Hanging would be fine too. So to all the people I disappear on while chatting, Im sorry…. Please dont hate me. Its my screwed up net connection.

…I stared at the floor, willing it to split open and swallow me. I wished I could crawl into some dark hole and disappear. I would never come out. Ever. Didnt find a hole big enough. Instead, made my way through a meal and tried to smile while eating kheer. Oh well.

…I dont think the truth sets you free. I think it weighs you down, cripples you. Do we really need to know the truth each and every time?? Atleast what you dont know wont hurt you.

…And the song for today is Calling all angels by Train. Go listen to it. Seriously. Jao!

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
Cuz I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And Im calling all angels
And Im calling all you angels

And I wont give up if you dont give up
I wont give up if you dont give up

I wont give up if you dont give up
I wont give up if you dont give up

I need a sign to let me know you're here
Cuz my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

And Im calling all angels
And Im calling all you angels

When children have to play inside so they dont disappear
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we dont talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

And Im calling all angels
And Im calling all you angels

And I wont give up if you dont give up
I wont give up if you dont give up

I wont give up if you dont give up
I wont give up if you dont give up

Im calling all angels
Im calling all you angels

Find of the week #1: FNKasia!
Totally bohemian!
Totally adorable!
A little pricey like all good things are
But oh-so-worth it!!


Find of the week #2: Zindagi mey by Mehdi Hassan (live version)
Haye! makes my heart go skipping beats :D
One song that can sit in my ipod for as long as it likes!


Find of the week #3: A new friend I get along with fabulously!
You make me smile, snort and laugh! :D

On with the funeral. Im ready for the burial...

Its funny how acceptance and patience doesnt come in one large dose. It takes so fuckin long.

I looked at her, at them, at their life. My gaze wandered to all the pretty little bright lights surrounding the mirror and the first thought that crossed my mind was I dont want to be her, I dont want any of what she has and I dont want any of this.

“You know what,” I turned back to her, “Im very very happy for you.”

And this time the smile wasnt the one I had been practicing the whole day. For a change, it was real and my statement was an honest one. So I hugged her good night and made my way home, feeling for the first time in months that a burden had finally been lifted from my shoulders. I was finally free.

I was happy being who I am the best. I was happy being me.

All it took was hearing a single word to make me come undone. A single word to remind me, to make me remember. A single word to bring out my insecurities in their glaring technicolor festivity. A single word to wake up the insomniac cynic in me who had finally taken a moment's rest.

A single word.

Funny how I never thought speech was powerful in that way.

Aaahhh!!!!

Bryan Adams is coming to Karachi!!!

Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

For everyone who thinks Im going crazy, please click the small red button on the top right hand side of this page and GO AWAY, I dont like you too much either!!!!

While growing up, I heard a combination of everything, from my Uncle's latest bollywood music collection to Ami's oldies goldies to sisters' mix of everythin English. I grew to like some, dis some, and just grew out of some.

But Bryan adams was it for me. Something I dint grow out of, something I never forgot the words to, something Ive always always loved.

So before he grows old and dies, or I bite the dust, someone PLEASE tell me the details about his present tour. Im desperate!

Grrrr....Excuse me if Im feeling a little homicidal right now!!

October 2005

Fouzia: 4 yrs
Imran: 28 yrs

Imran is Fouzia's brother in law. He had no kids of his own so he begged his Mother in law to let him adopt Fauzia. She agreed and he brought her home. One day when his wife had gone somewhere, he raped Fouzia. So brutally that the doctors had to remove her uterus when she was taken to the hospital. The baby's uterus was removed. She had cigarette burns all over her body and a few of her bones were broken.

His excuse: I wanted to have sex with her. I couldnt control myself.

I wish people would quit discussing weddings and marriages with me... i cant stomach the idea anymore.

Though i love you poogle for thinking I wud make an-oh-so-lovely bride... (yes Im that shallow :D)

Oh and did I mention the two look exactly alike!!!! But she is just so adorable!! :D i wuv kids.... 

And this is baby Alli's older brother....was my fave cousin till Alli gave him a run for his money 

My candy-licious cutey pie cousin Aleena... she is even more adorable in real life (trust me :D)... seriously M, how can you not love kids if they are so cute!!!! 

If you try real hard and squint your eyes long enough, you might just see the face I drew on the car windshield in the earliest hours of the snow fall.... How i love snow! :D 

I could start by saying my year went crap. I could list everything that went wrong. I could tell you all about the who-did-what.
I could.
But lets not.
Not today. Lets make today an exception. Why? Cuz I get a chance to start over. Clean slate. So lets not talk about all that today.

It started snowing around 9 in the night. That's what I love about this place. It has the most exquisite autumns and winters. And what other city will give you snow exact on new year's eve :D I couldn't think of a better way to start my new year.

For a change, instead of counting all the people who weren't all that nice to me, ill send out my thanks to all the people who did make my year.

Ami, Dad… I love you two.
Sana, Chicki… (im speechless) muah!!! Kisses for both of you.
Baby Titan… im glad you're makin it through
Sush… 6 years and counting, you still know where Im comin from :D
Zuljin... you make me scream and laugh at the time...who else could do that?!!!
Qta-ites… all my friends back home… thank you for always always welcoming me with open hearts, huge smiles and lots of food
Me elite khi posse… my guy-hating-awkward girls who are intimidated by my sisters, my ward groupies, my angst aunts and uncles, my free of charge taxies and hotels, my drivers and mighty-moes… you’re the reason I made it through another year in this university
Bobo jaan, Khalo and the rest of the khi family… thank you for making me feel as if I'd lived my whole life in khi
Blog-mates… :D you give me something to look forward to whenever I come online. Its nice knowing you people.

Now for my new year resolutions, I found the perfect way to put them into words:

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if lost sanity

That I would be good
Whether with or without you

(Alanis Morrisette
That I would be good)

This one's for you Aisha: Bo Bice (runner up in American Idol 2005) the most adorable guy ever. 

Dont you ever just miss anybody?

I love the randomness of I just thought of you and was missing you so I thought Id call / sms / visit…

Happy New Year ppl!!!

I saw this Meme over at Aisha's and since there was an open invitation and I had loadsa free time, i did it too... :D

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Went to islamabad and stayed with my best friend for the weekend.
Yep, im 21 and this is the first time in my life ive stayed over at a friend's place, with no family around. What can I say, my parents arent really all that into the Independence for girls club.(my dad was in the isloo too for a meeting staying in a hotel...does that count???)

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I wanted to lose a lot of weight (ha ha, who doesnt!)… I only lost a little weight (not enough to satisfy me)
I wanted to exercise lots… I didnt get around to having a proper exercise routine.
I wanted to work really hard at studies again… I was too lazy a bum to study as hard as I had planned.
Yep! I will definitely make some for next year, im really good at procrastinating.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My uncle had a baby daughter. I cant remember anyone else.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, Shukar Alhamdulilah. No one did. I still have nightmares about 2003 when both my grand dads died within two months of each other.

5. What countries did you visit?
None!! (Afsos)

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A little more determination and discipline to carry my plans through.

7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I dont signify dates that much

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Passing second year, getting into third year and hopefully passing this year too…

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hm… I dont really keep my sight on that area.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing that I havent had before.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Lap top!!!
Ipod!
Some kick-ass shoes! (Haye how i love shoes)
Lovely lush clothes!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine! :D I tried being a good person (God knows how damn hard it was ha ha)…
seriously though my sisters and friends for putting up with me and my awful mood swings as patiently as they do.
And Memphis for being my personal driver whenever i needed him, with no complaints or the usual guy-bullshit.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A really close friend's.

14.Where did most of your money go?
Jazz cards!
I pod!
Gifts for people! (I am not complaining, mind you!)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Islamabad.
Getting my laptop.
Getting my I pod.
My sister's wedding (lol, dont ask… she isnt engaged yet and there are no signs of that happening for the next 1.5 or 2 yrs… but you can get excited about stuff like this cant you :D)

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
Hm… Kajra rey… L dancing in the common room to it.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Neither I guess
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner
c) richer or poorer? Tab bhi kangaal they, ab bhi kangaal hain (ill answer this when I start earning… lol, collected pocket money doesnt account for richer or poorer)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercising and studying

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Same as Aisha: telling myself I'll get to it tomorrow.
Depending on other people for my happiness.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Already spent it watching movies at home.

21. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Nope. (Does Bo Bice or Zain count?)

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Lahaasil and Terey janey key baad.
Gilmore Girls.
Lost.
Desperate Housewives.
American idol.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

25. What was the best book you read?
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Aabida parveen!

27. What did you want and get?
A laptop!

28. What did you want and not get?
A sony cyber-shot (yep, im that materialistic)

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Pillow talk.
The Hours.
Wicker Park.
(they are old movies, I saw them this yr)

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21!
Bunked uni and spent the day at home… lol, that is a luxury, trust me.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I had actually stuck to my resolutions… (Dayam!)

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Lol, no concept whatsoever. I just went along with what my tailor told me.

33. What kept you sane?
TV. It kept my mind off a lotta things I would've gone crazy thinking about.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Bo Bice!!!!!

35. Who did you miss?
B.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Abid… my best friend’s friend. Really nice guy.
Naz and safo, Mo and Memphis. I met them before but got to **really** know them this year.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
Do not trust people too much with your happiness! Wait thats an old life lesson. Nothin new.

38. What political issue irked you the most?
Huh??? (I don’t know anything about politics or the people involved). No comments

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
On a different day
If I was safe in my own skin
Then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened
But this is today
And I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel
Safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again.
- Dido

I tag everyone!!! anyone who feels like doing it! Tell me if u do. id like to read.

Happpyyyyyyyyyy New Year! To new beginings. :D

Sometimes I guess there just arent enough rocks

Bless the human mind for remembering. Bless it more for being able to forget, wiping some events off the memory slates, as if they had never happened. Then all that is left are slight traces and recollections of an afternoon sun ready to settle outside the window and a dark room beyond it. All that is left then to haunt you for the rest of your life is the dark room and its demons. But bless the mind of this 8 year old who hasnt been able to remember anymore ever since.

Sisters are a strange breed...

I hate people leaving.

I hate being left alone.

I hate realizing that it affects me way more than I want it to.

I hate everyone expecting me to get over it and to just deal with it.

I hate not being able to get over it and to just deal with it (believe me, I want to!)

I hate being weak.

I hate realizing I am not that strong after all.

I hate depending on others for happiness.

I hate not enjoying TV cuz no one is there to watch it with me.

I hate Mc-Dz tasting like rubbish when im all alone in an empty lounge, eating it.

I hate everyone asking me, how you holding up girl.

I hate finding something funny and not having anyone around to share it with.

I hate leaving coffee mugs everywhere with no one around to tell me to pick up after myself.

I hate having no furry ball of a cat sleeping on my books, in my bag, in my bed and leaving cat
hair behind.

I hate never realizing in these last three years that you must have felt this way too every
summer (im sorry… :( )

I hate missing people I spend 16 hours of every single day with.

I hate missing two of the most important people in my life.

I hate missing you two cuz that just means you arent here where I am.



Love you two so so sooooo much! You guys mean the world to me!

After three years of desperately trying to fit in, Im finally glad I stand out.

Saying goodbye...

There is a certain amount of sadness and a certain degree of desolation in knowing that now when you'll dial a particular number, you'll hear an automated voice telling you that the number you've dialed is no longer in use, instead of hearing the familiar voice u have become so used to.

Sum...

Agreeing to come to uni just cuz I was coming as well

Standing with me on a roadside for half an hour, waiting for a bus

Helping me get on my first local bus (not a very pleasant experience)

Deciding whether the smell was coming from inside the bus or outside

Telling me to cover my head and face the way you did (as if we were about to bomb some place)

Not taking a 3rd bus cuz I was too tired, and taking a rickshaw instead

Apologizing when the rickshaw driver drove like a maniac and when the rickshaw made a lot of
noise (as if any of that was your fault)

Giving “dehydrated” me lots of water to drink and your space on the bed to veg out

Sometime that's “all” it takes for me to be glad you are my friend...

Consider yourself important and celebrate your individuality when your best friend says, Ive never met anyone till now, who I would want you to marry. Nobody I know is good enough for you, could love you and treat you the way you ought to be loved and treated.

aaw..shucks!!! :D thanks mate!!