I came across an old post I had written more then a year back, sometime in July last year. This part of it stood out. Funny how we say stuff and forget their effect until we come face to face with them again.

Train of thoughts: Some things arent meant to be. Sort of comforting, that is, as harsh as it may sound the first time around. Means something else out there is meant to be, and its still there waiting to happen. All is not lost. Gives me hope.

Does it ever get better then this?

Mum at the 25 years reunion bash of her M.B.B.S class, when asked what her biggest achievement was in life till now:
My four kids.

This post's idea is a total rip off from Saba's blog. I loved the way she had done it so I decided to do it too. Sorta like a meme. Dont hate me.

If I could, then I would…

* * * go traveling. RIGHT NOW. One backpack (maybe two) and lots of cash. All ye who cramp my style, sorry you cant come along.

* * * decide once and for all about Lint. Being so bloody indecisive majorly sucks.

* * * leave my uni. I hate it.

* * * go back to 2002 and try harder for the uni I actually wanted to go to. Or atleast, know the behtri in eventually not being able to get in despite the good grades that I did, infact, get, so that atleast it wont haunt me for the rest of my life.

* * * not know you AT ALL, Dr. too-good-to-be-f***ing-true. From the first hey to the last Ok, talk to you some other time, I would not know you. At all. You might mean well, but man, you have an ego the size of a frikkin elephant.

* * * tell Paeds, Gynae and Medicine Department to go get an enema.

* * * also not have known you. You are fake. And I cant believe I toh-tal-ly fell for it. Wait. I can believe it, I am stupid enough. But seriously, you are number 2 on my list of totally wish you didnt exist.

* * * Make your hurt go away, C.

* * * tell a few people I am unfortunately related to go straight to hell. For all you made my mother go through, I hope you rot long and slow. Godspeed.

* * * Kiss mum's hurt away.

* * * go back a few months and pay more attention to Dazed when we were still talking to each other.

I know I wont be able to ever come out from underneath your shadow. The least you can do is let me live in peace there.

Did ya hear... 22 is the new 18 :D

Sigh. I wanna complain about life. Thats what I do most of the time, dont I? But have actually gotten too tired of myself lately. How my sisters and my friends bear me, I have no clue, but Im a little sick of my constant complaining. Ha. Funny haina? Faizo babe gets the credit. She complained enough in one day to make me realize how not-very-fun for the listener it was. So the grinch has been sent off to a corner for some time.

Or maybe its just the festivity of a Coffee chocolate mousse cake that's doing this talking.

Still no clue where the money went. Hope its around here somewhere and not stolen. Cuz then that would be just plain disappointing. I believe in the goodness of people too much.

I made a seperate blog to work as a gratitude journal, but dont feel like posting in it right now. Maybe I will. Some other time. Heard it's very "therapeutic". But for now here's what I am grateful about today:

27. Sep. 2006 (11:37 pm)

1. Sistaz... thank you for the yummy cake, and thank you for knowing chocolate makes me happy. Would be even better if you wouldnt fight with me. Just lemme get away with being right every now and then, wont you :D

2. Mummy... Adorable mum, you are everything I wanna be someday. Thank you for being who you are. I just wish I didn't miss you so much. I miss everyday life with you.

3. Faith... thank you Allah for blessing me with complete absolute faith. Being able to turn to You for every single detail in my life is what Im most grateful about.

P.s:
28th september, 2006. 1:07 am

Some more things to be grateful about:

4. Friends who remember my birthday. My birthday isn't that important to me but when you guys start calling and keep calling till u get through, you make me feel GREAT :D

5. Feb, 2001. You would be there to talk to me 8 am sharp your time zone no matter what. Sep, 2006. You still haven't changed.

6. 2nd Oct 2005. I didn't understand why. Now I do. SubhanAllah, We are the grandest designs of our Lord.

The countdown has begun. Two more days to turning 22. And somehow, I'm not looking forward to it.

Not the way I looked forward to every birthday from the twelfth to the eighteenth year. Short of shaking pom-poms and doing cartwheels, I did everything I could possibly think of to celebrate growing up. Every year had been different then. I had looked back at a weridly wonderful year spent, and looked forward to the coming one with hope and anticipation. And yet, somehow, for the same exact reason, I'd like to pause and rewind my life a bit before the 22 arives with its full and final glory. I dont wanna turn 22. I try looking back and then I wish I would just frikkin stop with the whole trying to look back business. Because I have nothing, absolutely nothing to show for my last 4 years. My life's been at a stasis since I turned 19. I see no change in myself. Except the ones that are for the worst and nothing to write home about. Instead of growing as a person and an individual, I have apparently reversed and lost great big chunks of myself, chunks that I considered good and pure and simple and worthy. There have been no achievements at any level. I have not improved in anyway. My mental, physical and emotional states have pretty much detoriated. I have nothing to show for the last 4 years of my life. Nothing.

And that is what depresses me about turning 22. Happy Birthday to me!

Memphis calling me up one day before a major test that we were suppoosed to study for atleast for 2 weeks:

Memphis: Heeeeeeelpppp!
Me: What???
Memphis: Help kardoooo yaar!
Me: Lemme guess. You havent started studying YET for tomorrow and you want to know what topics are important, right?
Memphis: Im still amazed at how you know me so well.
Me: Lol, stop bullshitting. Paper pen lao, ill tell you the topics.

(2 mins spent looking for a pen)

Memphis: Ok, shoot.
Me: Ok, topic 1. Sewage sickness.
Memphis: Crap.
Me: Yeah, it basically means that.
Memphis: No. Crap. My pen just finished.
Me: hahahahahhhh why am I not surprised?

Here comes Bachelor No.1...

Currently the favourite game at my place is Who can we set Sohnii up with? The participants are my evil sisters and their some-what evil friends. The poor victim is me (and I am not enjoying it, contrary to what you think). The object of the game is to come up with an eligible bachelor, try to sell his idea to me and then attempt to fix the both of us up.

The ideal bachelors line-up has included, till now, their totally delicious, totally good looking, totally narcissistic friend. Rejected on the basis of being a big huge Snob. Next in line was their Chicago-born who had major brownie points for being an eklota bacha. Unfortunately, it turned out to be false information and he was, infact, the middle one in three brothers. So they rejected him too. (Funny that you should think I would be the one to reject a guy since I was being set up. It doesn’t quite work that way with this lot. They choose the guy, they reject him. Just adds to the list, as another one of those things I don’t really understand about them.)

Then their was the Super-nova Wolverine who happens to be pretty cute but shorter than me, and Crazy Mayo who is a friend of mine, cute in a very boy-next-door way but has the weirdest sense of humor this side of the planet. Him, I personally rejected. A girl’s gotta have her laughs proper. And now their nazr-e-karam has shifted to my friend Memphis. Please note my emphasis on the words my friend. That rejection was by me too, simply on the basis of those two very words.

The conclusion is that while they have their daily laughs, picking out guys and dissecting their very fabric of being discussing their personalities, I sit back and think being the youngest in their group isn’t so cool anymore. Like my dad always says, “its your curse. You have to live with it. Sag baash, duktarey/bache khurd na baash.” (Translated from Persian: better a dog then the youngest daughter/son.)

Sigh. I hate hospitals. Yes, this is coming from someone who is in 4th year of Med-school, just a year and a half shy from graduating. I hate hospitals. Even if they are as nice as AKU.

My friend's dad is sick. He had a stroke. Please people, everyone who reads this, please say a little prayer for him to get better. You might not know my friend, (he's a great dude by the way). You might not know his Dad, (I dont either). But he's someone's dad, someone's husband, someone's family. So please, just pray for him to get better.

Dad is here. Before I get used to the fact of having him around, he leaves. Two days are never enough.


I sent the email. Now, Im wondering two things.
1. Is that email address still working?
2. Was it stupid of me to send that email?


Something I read in The Garrick Year by Margaret Drabble. I haven't associated with anything so strongly since a very long time.

I find it takes very little time for me to become thoroughly bored. To me life seems to be perpetually on the verge of extinction, and I could bear anything rather than die in a moment of boredom. I feel that I am insulting something when I am bored. I began to miss London: it was not so much that I had many close friends there, for I have few friends, but I missed variety. My tastes are shallow; my life is shallow; and I like anonymity, change and fame. In Hereford I could have none of these things: I was condemned to familiarity, which beyond anything I find hard to mantain with ease.

The farewell made me realize just how much I will miss them. Before this I always thought of them as my sisters' friends. Now I realize that they have been my friends too for the past four years. Maybe not very close friends, not as much a part of my life as my regular group, but nevertheless, still my friends. I'll miss you guys. :(

Saw The Lake House over the weekend. It was a bit confusing to wrap my mind around the whole time glitch technicality thing at first. But I liked the movie. Yes, I did. Like most romantic movies, I loved this one too. Maybe I am too much of a sentimental fool to like all this romanic junk but kiya karein. They fill me with hope. And that's all I need most of the time. So yeah Lake House goes on my I Like list.

I feel good...

One of the nicest compliments I've ever gotten...

"I like your smile. You smile with all your heart. It says look at me, I'm happy within."

My baby's back... after two whole months, my baby's back!

Baby being mentioned here is my laptop whose little fan had died on me... so it went to get fixed with some guy my Dad knows... now after two whole months, my baby's back and there is no windows on it, no DOS on it, nothing except a black screen. The Mother-of-all-boards also died on me, apparently. And the page-up button has come off. Sigh! As we speak, Im trying to coax it back to life...

The fight for your rights is important even if its for something as small as your space on the bed while someone tries making it.

Im loving it!

Questionable Content by J. Jacques

Saw it at Maha's blog... just had to do it :D I tag everyone..

If I were a time of day, I would be... an Autumn eve.
If I were a non-human animal, I would be... a horse lol! Not very graceful I know but I LOVE horses.
If I were a direction, I would be... on a crossroad, pointing in all four directions. Thats how I feel most of the times.
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be... not a piece of furniture. Bilkul bilkul nahi.
If I were a liquid, I would be... pure clean water all the way!
If I were a tool, I would be... a hammer… no wait… a drill… im annoying enuff :D
If I were a kind of weather, I would be... autumn rain!
If I were a mythical creature, I would be... a mermaid :D or a fairy… maybe a mermaid that had fairy magical powers…
If I were a musical instrument, I would be... a guitar.
If I were a color, I would be... a shade of deep red
If I were a sound, I would be... Dido's Here with me...
If I were a movie, I would be... Meet Joe black :D or the epic Romeo n Juliet without the Romeo dyin in the end. I dont really like my men dead.
If I were a food, I would be... fried chillies!
If I were a material, I would be... silk, aur kiya.
If I were a word, I would be... great!
If I were a facial expression, I would be... a grin
If I were a month, I would be... September (autumn is so me!)
If I were a day of the week, I would be... wednesday... pata nahi kiyu... dont ask me why, i duno either.
If I were a planet, I would be... venus
If I were a tree, I would be... umm... a tree?
If I were a flower/plant, I would be... a daissssssssyyy :D
If I were a fruit, I would be... an orange.
If I were an article of clothing, I would be... a sariii.
If I were a Disney character, I would be... sleeping beauty :D she was the prettiest :D
If I were an online abbreviation, I would be... lol!
If I were a hairstyle, I would be... straight, long, lucious locks!
If I were a number, I would be... ah... next question
If I were a kitchen device, I would be... definitely a good sharp knife... lol, maybe a belan... all you who mock me, be wary of the fury of belannnn muah ha ha ah

My best friend is hurting and I dont know what to do, what to say, how to stop the pain. Im hurting too.

I love you C.

I dont remember where I heard or read this but for some reason, I've been thinking about it the whole day...

With perfect strangers, people we dont even know, we are courteous and kind. The people we love, however, our family, our friends, the rest of the works... these are the people who get our back lashing, our unkind words, our temper tantrums and our contempt.

Also have been thinking...
House job requires wokin for 36 hrs every other day for most of the one year here in Pakistan. I can hardly keep my eyes open and myself alert after 6-8 hours of college. How the hell will I manage after I graduate? Real world... Im sorry, Im not ready for you yet.

Lights are out. Its half past five in the morning and the lights went out some 45 minutes ago. Me and moti mao are the only ones up. Its hot. Well, not so much. But there are definitely a lot of mosquitoes that keep biting me. Do they bite? Im not sure. I know they suck blood. What’s the terminology I'm looking for over here? But anyway lights are out and I’m sitting here with nothing better to do except blog. Ive been trying to watch a movie since 3 am. Jennifer Aniston’s Friends with money. Its actually a pretty good one. I love the whole subliminal-deeper-message-touching-reality types. Something that keep me thinking till later on. Been watching Oprah’s 20th anniversary special edition too. Have gotten through two dvds with the help of a lot of tissues. That woman is bent on making me cry every 5 to 10 minutes. Whats with putting all the heart touching stories on the first dvd anyway. And I do like her show.

Its been raining like anything around here. Yesterday when Sana and I were out Chips n kebab shopping, there were mini rivers flowing on the roads outside within a matter of 10 minutes. It was a whole separate ordeal getting to the car then. We proceeded by swapping chappalz, me carrying Sana’s shoes and going barefoot till the car, making my way through the rivers and streams. No I'm not really the hippie type who dances in the rain, jumps in puddles and connects with Mother Nature. I do like dancing in the rain but jumping in puddles is just not me. And as for connecting with Mother Nature, I think I’ve done more than my fair share by letting these blood sucking mosquitoes feast on me. What can I say. Lol, I’m delicious.

So anyway there we were, making our way through river Nile, poor me bare foot, carrying groceries in one hand and Sana’s shoes in the other till we made it to the car. And what do you know. An hour later, her room got flooded by rain water coming through the connecting balcony door and her same precious, previously dry shoes were floating in it and well, not so dry anymore. He he (evil laugh)… I guess Mother Nature really does like me. So that was that for Naz and my best-laid plans. Karachi turned into a giant swimming pool and we decided to call our movie night off. After that I proceeded to eating all the noshes I had bought earlier for the two of us, while watching LOST. Hey if I was watching for two, I had to eat for two as well, nahi?
Now, its getting a little hot and im hoping the lights come back soon. Movie watching and finishing has been postponed till later. I just wanna have a good, non-sticky shut-eye.
Hmmm… other than that, the fact that I disappeared of the scene of blogging and all you lovely people missed me, it had much to do with our Pc modem dying on me, my laptop still with somebody else, going home for an engagement ceremony (not mine, you twits), and just being too plan lazy to actually write something, all in the above order. Hope you guys did all right without me (at least say Sohnii we missed you :D). I shall now have to bid all you lovely people adios. Im sticky and itchy and sleep deprived. But most of all, I'm hot (you know I am **wink wink**) And that my friends is a dangerous combination. So that’s it for today. Enjoy the rain and keep safe.

Motii Mao

Since my browser still refuses to show me verification boxes and I cant comment on people's blogs anymore, I shall have to resort to lower means... like commenting on people's post via writing my own blog...

So here's to Khizzy who wrote abt pets... :D I have one too, Khizzy, a cat, who is also gay, only its a 'she' and is actually not so much gay, but more of a anti-cat mano billi. She HATES cats. She really actually does. Wonder where she go that from though.