And then I saw you...

I dream. A lot.
Literally, figuratively, metaphorically… in all ways that one can dream. My actual dreams are turning into nightmares. Into actual nightmares. I wake up sweating, trying to shake their vividness off. If I was scared before, I am terrified now. I dont think I'll ever be able to trust
again.

On to brighter topics..

You know how you go to some blogs and they've posted poetry and song lyrics and stuff like that, and you skip all of it.
Well... dont do it now.
I know I post a lot of songs.
I know it gets boring every now and then.
But seriously... this song, dont skip it.

Pat green… Wave on wave

Mile upon mile got no direction,
We're all playin the same game.
We're all looking for redemption,
Just afraid to say the name.

So caught up now in pretending,
That what we're seekin is the truth.
Im just looking for a happy ending,
All Im looking for is you.

You came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save?
You came upon me wave on wave.

I wandered out into the water,
And I thought that I might drown
I dunno what I was after,
I just know I was goin down.

Thats when she found me
Im not afraid anymore
She said “You know I always had ya baby
Just waitin for you to find what you were looking for.”

You came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here.
Am I the one you were sent to save
When you came upon me wave on wave.

Wave on wave
Wave on wave

The clouds broke and the angels cried
You aint gotta walk alone
Thats why he put me in your way
And you came upon me wave on wave.

And you came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here.
Am I the one you were sent to save
When you came upon me wave on wave.

Bucky Covington performed it in last week's show...
Excellent excellent excellent... Im speechless...
So this is a tribute to him, to his amazing voice, to the double cute-ness (the Buck n Rock of it :D)...
oh and to Chicki... who is crazy about him....:D

Yes I have a lot of farigh time...

American Idol... the programme is entertaining... the aftermath isnt.


The stupid music company, Im guessing he signed up with Clive, have managed to turn him into a sugary pop princess...
Sob...
My Bo...
...who managed to make it to the top 2 last year
...who sang the hell out of Vehicle, For the love of money, I cant get no satisfaction and Sweet Home Alabama...

They took the King of Rock and turned him into Britney Spears... sob....

Lets hope his next album is more him...




Meanwhile...

Im rooting for Chris Daughtry in the hots department.

He is so much better then Vin Diesel. Please stop comparing them...

And oh boy, can he sing :D







For everyone who thinks Taylor isnt cute.... need I say more?? he he...

Sundays are slow and Mondays are blue

Ace is hot. But Chris is hotter. No no… hottest ive decided. Right up there with Eric Bana, a little below Bo Bice. Bo Bice toh is Maha hot! :D And he came on the show this week, the night the boys sang. Was in the audience. And they only showed him once. I mean, he did make it to the finals and he ALMOST won last year didnt he. They could at least ask him to say something or at least they couldve showed him more than once.

I have decided that Im going to obsess freakishly about American Idol whether anyone likes it or not. Till May at least, when they will tell all us sad obsessed stalker lot who won. Then as always, I wont bother finding out if the winner actually got around to making an album. That reminds me, Bo Bice’s new album needs to go on my MUST HAVE list.

Something else on my MUST HAVE list is a digital camera. Yes Im still in the dark ages, I dont have a digi-cam. So now I want one. Very very very bad. The new Sony Cybershot. The thin sleek model. My hands start itching every time I see one. Anyone out there who happens to be in lurve with me and who also happens to be filthy rich (the mysterious ways of fate… Ive a rule about never questioning them)… please get me that camera. I promise to love u back forever and ever and ever. Or at least I'll pretend I do while you can promise you wont know the difference. Illusions are better then the truth sometimes. What you dont know wont hurt you, you know.

A friend of mine made my day yesterday. What would've otherwise been an extremely boring Sunday was just boring, because I spent a hour and a half in the afternoon chatting with her. It is strangely fun and liberating being able to laugh on nothing in particular. And babe, when you call me Churail, I know you're just suffering from an inferiority complex cuz Im so fab... muah ha ha ha!!!! (evil laugh in case you dint know)

Ooh Oohhhh and I finally finally finished A million little pieces by James Frey. An incredibly easy read. Loved the way he wrote it. Its funny how he came on Oprah's show a few months back, how she did her usual the whole the book was so good, I couldn't put it down act and how a few months later she was all huffy puffy and upset cuz some of the stuff he had written was fabricated. Well, fact or fiction, whatever you wanna call it, the book is good. It is well-written and it is interesting.

Some excerpts from it are :

I want to run or die or get fucked up. I want to be blind and dumb and have no heart. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I want to wipe my existence straight off the map. Straight of the fucking map.

I took a lot of punches for that bull shit, and every time I threw a punch back, and I threw one back every single time, I threw it back for her. I threw it back as hard as I fucking could and I threw it back for her.


And now for my very fave part, where I leave you with the song of the week…
this is Everything by Alannis Morrisette..
cheerios all you lovely folks... Ta!

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you've never met anyone
As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I'm the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
As positive as I am sometimes

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive agressiveness can be devistating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone who's closed down as I am sometimes

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I am the funniest woman that you've ever known
I am the dullest woman that you've ever known
I am the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate

And you're still here
And you're still here
And you're still here

Been reading

The Young man came to the Old man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It's in a million little pieces.
I'm afraid I cant help you.
Why?
Theres nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
It's broken beyond repair. Its in a million little pieces.
- A million little pieces by James Frey

01. 03. 2006

11:00 pm
In bed. Dog tired. Very proud of myself for making an attempt to correct my sleeping habits.

11:10 pm
Intercom rings.
Table seems a million miles away. Cant get up. Dont wanna get up. Dont get up.

11:15 pm
Sms beep. Ann tells me not to worry.

11:20 pm
Intercom again.
Nope. Still not getting up.

11:39 pm
Sms beep. Dazed thinks im rude. An acronym he made up which is actually pretty sweet in its context compared to the word itself.

11:48 pm
Sms beep.
Message memory almost full. Delete old messages. Takes me 2 minutes. Back to new sms. Shanz discusses a mutual friend's father's death.
Depressing topic. I feel like crying again.

11:53 pm
Sms beep. Memphis says basant is on Sunday and am I still mad at him?

11:59 pm
Sms beep. Memphis again.
Yeah M, I'll mark your proxy. Go away now. Shoo shoo...

12:06 am
Sms beep. Lint is annoyed at me. Says mean stuff.
I delete the sms. Sorry dude, too frikkin late in the night to deal with emotional baggage.

12:15 am
Intercom rings. Cousin enters room in an attempt to pick it up. Said cousin lives downstairs. Said call is also from downstairs. Said writer thinks her family goes mad after 10 pm.

12:20 am
Intercom again.

*sigh* *curse* *mutter*
Yeah?
Aunt wants to know if I was sleeping.

12:25 am
Intercom rings.
Should I ignore it?
Grand mum wants to know which upstairs door is open.
Get out of bed and check all doors. No door is open.

12:32 am
Sms beep. Memphis is eternally grateful. Apparently my proxy-marking ability has him bound and loyal to me for as long as he lives.
Wonder if he'll feel any pain if I strangle him with his kite string.

12:34 am
Beep beep. IB wants to know if Im sleeping.
Almost tempted to say yes I am, I have this amazing power of answering messages without actually haing to wake up. How cool is that, right.

12:36 am
Sms beep. Sum asks about tomorrow's strike status. Will anyone burn our bus if we go on that field trip.
That idea seem very pleasant in my current state of sanity (insanity?)

12:40 am
Beep beep. Another sms.
Ib thinks I need some excitement in my life.

12:45 am
Awful headache. Cant think straight. Panadol zindabad.

01:00 am
Out of bed. Lights on. Headache has turned into a full raging migraine. The whole irani circus is running around and jumping on my nerves.
Silently contemplate a digging site in my room, where I could murder my cell phone and intercom and give them a proper burial.

And just this afternoon, I thought life was boring.

p.s: to anyone who says why dont I turn my cell phone off, im in perpetual fear of missing out on some life altering news in case I turn my mobile off.
Yes, im mad, I know.
Unfortunately in my case, its a full 24 hour affair instead of the familial after 10 deal.

I first saw you a few years ago, and thought you were oh-so-good-looking and fine…
I waited for something else to appear.
A wicked sense of humor maybe...
kick-ass attitude...
originality...
amiability...
or a little character perhaps… ???
anything that could support your physical perfection…

So I waited..
And waited..
And waited…

I cant believe that **this**is all there is to you…
I cant believe how disappointed I am…
oh well..

The good, the bad and the ugly

2:00 am: Passing through Clifton:

I love these streets. Wide and wonderfully lit.
And there on the sidewalks, I saw people settling down into corners, getting ready to sleep. Torn worn-out clothes, unshaven faces, just a thin chaddar to cover themselves with through the night. These were the bad lot.

I looked at them and pitied their life. They chose to live on these streets, sleep on the ground, go hungry for days and all that for what? The momentary high that a needle prick provided? What a waste of life.

(Im told I suffer from a mental condition where I think too much.) Then I thought about the rest of us who had gotten it right. It being the concept, the logic, the gist of life. Were we any happier? Like rats in a maze, who keep running into the same corner again and again, or like the mouse running in the same spot in the small rudder who is made to believe what he is doing is essential for existence. Werent our lives much more empty and meaningless at times, with not even the solace of the same needle prick to look forward to? At least their high, when it came, was complete and perfect. Could we say the same for our elation?

Someone very close to me was (is?) into drugs… we were talking about it and I implied that its not something one should get involved in, yeh achey logo key karney key kaam nahi hain. He looked at me and said, does it change who I am? Does it make me a bad person then?

To date I havent been able to answer that.

Had this person not been an important part of my life, I wouldve promptly replied, yes it makes you a bad person. There’s a black area and a white area, the right and the wrong and you just crossed the line between it. So yes, that makes you a very very bad person. However knowing this person made all the difference. I dont think he is a bad person, havent ever thought that for a single minute. I guess feelings do that, make you biased to the faults of the people you love. To someone else he might be a junkie, an addict, a good-for-nothing but to me he is a friend who messed up somewhere along the way. A friend who's a vegetable under external influences most of the time, is nevertheless way better than someone who cant hold anything except his sick mind and perverted ways of thinking responsible for his actions.

This discussion made me wonder some more. So I was a good girl for not going near drugs. He did drugs but I didnt think him the true bad.

Question was… if a junkie didnt make it into this clique, who did?
If drugs dont make a person bad, then what does?

Word cloud... Saw this over at Casa's blog and thought of doing it too...:D

Ace Young.... chicas feast your eyes.... (haye, he doesnt compare to Bo.... but he's hot!!!! :D).... and so continues the American Idol madness.... 

Taylor Hicks.... (awww.... cutey shmootey...:D) 

Reality TV and me :D

Last night was one of the very few times in my life Ive been insomniac so now I have insomnia-induced endorphins running around and jumping off the walls... Soooooo I decided to grace you with another post... two posts in 24 hours... count yourself lucky... muahaaahaahaha....
(its the endorphins talking... i swear... :/)

Ive decided that Taylor Hicks is the cutest thing to hit TV with this years's American Idol. Ofcourse, Ace is the hottest, but we're talking about cute... so Taylor Hicks it is :D.... two reasons....
a. He reminds me of George Clooney
b. He is just SO adorable, george clooney or not!!! :D

So until further notice, he is my fave contestant for this year, and I repeat, Ace Young (really) is the hottest...

p.s: I wish they'd call Bo Bice on the show to judge or better yet, sing this year... that'll be IT for me :D

Hell is empty. All the devils are here...

10:36 pm
Today is another one of those days where I have SO much to say but here I am, the blogger page open since the last 15 minutes, and I have NO idea what to write.

Much later:

I remember reading somewhere once that app logo k aibo pey parda dalo, Allah ap key aibon pey parda dalein gey (Hide other people's flaws from the world, and Allah will hide your flaws from the world too).

I have my usual bitching sessions every now and then, consequences of being a human, but being the daughter of a mother who breathes and lives her morals and principles, I have more than my usual fair share of ethic-attacks on my poor little conscience.
Especially nowadays, im so majorly sick and annoyed of people slaggin each other off.
PLEASE! STOP ALREADY! If you hadnt noticed im so NOT interested.
Im sick and Im tired of your rantings about how evil he/she really is, how much they suck, and about how you are way better then them. I mean seriously, please stop talking already. If I really wanted to sit and nit-pick their flaws with you, I wouldn't be looking so constipated with my fake half-smile now would I? All you're managing to achieve with this tirade of yours is ruining your own image in front of me. So please, just go away, leave me alone.

And on a completely different note, the song for today is The scientist by Cold play:

Come up to meet you, tell you Im sorry
You dont know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh its such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh its such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
Im going back to the start

Note to self:

When we talked about the whole burning the ships behind you thing, I also meant the little life boat you keep for every now and then.

The Quartet Meme

Aisha insists (or so id like to think :D) to wake me from my slumber...

Four Jobs I've Had in My Life...
1. Baby Titan's tutor from grade 3 to grade 8.
And thats about it. Now that i think about it, i wasnt even paid for it, except for the usual Awwwwwww... but he's your brotherrrrrrr........

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have...
1. Meet Joe Black (what do u mean why?? Two words: Brad Pitt)
2. Romeo n Juliet
3. Dil Chahta hai
4. Little Women

Four Places I Have Lived
1. Quetta
2. Karachi (and that's it... )

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch
1. Friends
2. Gilmore Girls
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Lost

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation
1. France
2. Italy
3. England
4. Srilanka

Four Books I Love
1. Little women
2. Pride and Prejudice
3. Life isn't all ha hee hee
4. Parsa

Four Websites I Visit Daily
1. Blog line up
2. Hotmail
3. Orkut
4. Msn groups

Four Favorite Foods
1. Pizza/ Burger n fries
2. Haleem
3. Fried Chilli (the way aayi makes them)
4. Fish n chips

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now
1. B-Adams concert (long story.. Sigh)
2. Somewhere on a nice beach
3. Paris
4. Home (with mum)

Four People Whom I Tag Next
1. Zuljin (I highly doubt he'll get around to doing it tho)
2. Sum
3. Tooth paste
4. Mahnoor

Sleep deprived and caffeine-driven inanity…

…I like who you are. But I hate sharing. The extent of your phone book scares me.

…If you could have a small stone for every time you miss me, the egoistic and self-centered part of me wants you to have enough to be able to cause some serious damage.

…I wont allow my life to be a compromise. Ever.

…Why do they kill the cute guy in the end of the movie? Four brothers was good otherwise.

…No Poogle, I dont know what is wrong with me. I wish I did. I want this more than anything else. But I cant help it.

…Memories. Funny things. How much of them is actually real and how much of it do we idolize and blow up to be all pretty and perfect?

…The memory of him seems perfect. Untarnished. The first. The beginning. I dont want him to come back in my life. The memory would lose its perfection then.

…Im still using dial-up internet. Yes, shoot me now. Hanging would be fine too. So to all the people I disappear on while chatting, Im sorry…. Please dont hate me. Its my screwed up net connection.

…I stared at the floor, willing it to split open and swallow me. I wished I could crawl into some dark hole and disappear. I would never come out. Ever. Didnt find a hole big enough. Instead, made my way through a meal and tried to smile while eating kheer. Oh well.

…I dont think the truth sets you free. I think it weighs you down, cripples you. Do we really need to know the truth each and every time?? Atleast what you dont know wont hurt you.

…And the song for today is Calling all angels by Train. Go listen to it. Seriously. Jao!

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
Cuz I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And Im calling all angels
And Im calling all you angels

And I wont give up if you dont give up
I wont give up if you dont give up

I wont give up if you dont give up
I wont give up if you dont give up

I need a sign to let me know you're here
Cuz my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

And Im calling all angels
And Im calling all you angels

When children have to play inside so they dont disappear
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we dont talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours

And Im calling all angels
And Im calling all you angels

And I wont give up if you dont give up
I wont give up if you dont give up

I wont give up if you dont give up
I wont give up if you dont give up

Im calling all angels
Im calling all you angels

Find of the week #1: FNKasia!
Totally bohemian!
Totally adorable!
A little pricey like all good things are
But oh-so-worth it!!


Find of the week #2: Zindagi mey by Mehdi Hassan (live version)
Haye! makes my heart go skipping beats :D
One song that can sit in my ipod for as long as it likes!


Find of the week #3: A new friend I get along with fabulously!
You make me smile, snort and laugh! :D

On with the funeral. Im ready for the burial...

Its funny how acceptance and patience doesnt come in one large dose. It takes so fuckin long.

I looked at her, at them, at their life. My gaze wandered to all the pretty little bright lights surrounding the mirror and the first thought that crossed my mind was I dont want to be her, I dont want any of what she has and I dont want any of this.

“You know what,” I turned back to her, “Im very very happy for you.”

And this time the smile wasnt the one I had been practicing the whole day. For a change, it was real and my statement was an honest one. So I hugged her good night and made my way home, feeling for the first time in months that a burden had finally been lifted from my shoulders. I was finally free.

I was happy being who I am the best. I was happy being me.

All it took was hearing a single word to make me come undone. A single word to remind me, to make me remember. A single word to bring out my insecurities in their glaring technicolor festivity. A single word to wake up the insomniac cynic in me who had finally taken a moment's rest.

A single word.

Funny how I never thought speech was powerful in that way.

Aaahhh!!!!

Bryan Adams is coming to Karachi!!!

Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

For everyone who thinks Im going crazy, please click the small red button on the top right hand side of this page and GO AWAY, I dont like you too much either!!!!

While growing up, I heard a combination of everything, from my Uncle's latest bollywood music collection to Ami's oldies goldies to sisters' mix of everythin English. I grew to like some, dis some, and just grew out of some.

But Bryan adams was it for me. Something I dint grow out of, something I never forgot the words to, something Ive always always loved.

So before he grows old and dies, or I bite the dust, someone PLEASE tell me the details about his present tour. Im desperate!

Grrrr....Excuse me if Im feeling a little homicidal right now!!

October 2005

Fouzia: 4 yrs
Imran: 28 yrs

Imran is Fouzia's brother in law. He had no kids of his own so he begged his Mother in law to let him adopt Fauzia. She agreed and he brought her home. One day when his wife had gone somewhere, he raped Fouzia. So brutally that the doctors had to remove her uterus when she was taken to the hospital. The baby's uterus was removed. She had cigarette burns all over her body and a few of her bones were broken.

His excuse: I wanted to have sex with her. I couldnt control myself.