What Ive been doing lately...

Saw Original Sin...
(yeah, Im slow.. :P ... atleast i got around to it.)

Luis: Christ! You'll be the death for me.
Julia: Oh... I hope so.

Louis: Whore! Liar! Thief! Dont you see? Dont you see that I cannot breath without you? I cannot live without you? Dont you see that? Dont you see how much I love you?

(haye... how sweet... Oh wouldnt it be nice to be loved so much! sigh... i meant by Antonio B :P)

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Saw Xmen 3:

Dr. Jean Grey: You would die for them?
Logan: No not for them... for you.
Dr. Jean Grey: Save me...
Logan: I love you...

(Oh man... Logan is sooooo hot! :D)

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Saw Underworld: Evolution :

(Im disappointed... even tho i love movies involving myth and all, the only thing nice abt this one was Scott Speedman)

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Read Veronika Decides to Die by the guy that wrote The Alchemist... a must read...

At Amy's place sometime ago:

Amy: So is Lint everything you wanted in a guy?
Me: (thinkin) yeah, i guess...
Amy: So weirdo, why aren't you with him when you know he's crazy about you?
Me: uh..

I didnt know what to tell her. Didnt know how to answer that. So I e-mailed her this song instead. She never asked me that question again.

Everything You Want... Vertical Horizon

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it

Now you're here and you don't know why
But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

So FIFA WORLD CUP 2006 started today. And Ive been ordered by dady dearest to stay away from the TV till it finishes. For the next few weeks, this place will undergo soccer frenzy while my Dad, brother and sister will obsess about every little move made on the field. And since I find it very easy to get caught up in the hype, you might just find me posting about it every now and then.

Spent the day at Amy's place. That girl is infectious, i swear. She's a train wreck waiting to happen most of the time. But man, is she fun to be with or what. She told me something concerning somebody I care a whole lot about. I was about to TXT my somebody-i-care-about-a-lot and tell her about the little piece of information i had just recieved when i remembered what Dr. A had told me a few days ago.
We had a Muscle Dystrophy patient come in the other day with little chances of survival beyond his teen years (the condition cannot be cured), and I wanted to know if we should find out whether any of his other siblings had the same condition. Why take away somebody's reason to be happy? Let them be, dont tell them anything, when nothing can be done, Dr. A had replied.
So today I did that. I erased the sms I had written and i put the cell back into my purse. I care about her and her being happy way too much... my lips are sealed.

P.s: maybe I'll post about Dr. A someday. The man is dynamic. I havent been blown off my feet like this since I met Dr. Shuro.

p.p.s: Germany won: 4-2. Dad and Baby Titan are discussing the last goal of the game and betting on whether Poland or Ecuador(spl?) will come thru. See what i meant.

Came across this on someone's profile on orkut while browsing...
(and since this certain someone is a friend's friend, all names will be witheld.... but feel free to laugh if u find it funny :D.... talk about taking things literally... he he how very gross)

Turn-ons: public displays of affection

And while I am on the topic of haw-hawing about what everyone's been upto, we (Spaz and I) saw a girl at a wedding, who Spaz later told me, was a 'total bitch'. Yep, those were her words. I wondered the reason behind them, whether it was cuz Ms. Total Bitch had
a) ruined Spaz's life
b) stolen Spaz's boyfriend
c) not paid back her loan taken from Spaz
d) stolen Spaz's job
e) any combination of the above

So i asked Spaz why Ms. TB was... well, such a Total bitch.

Reason: the woman was wearing loads of vamp -like make up at a mela really late in the night.

And here i was thinking, I was messed up and bloody opinionated.

Every now and then...

Do you think its weird that 80 % of the smsz I send start with a LOL?

Compliment of the day: You're going to be a good doctor someday. You know how to cheer people up.
*** :D I feel like patch adams already. Oh the little ray of sunshine me. ***

Kate and Leopold: Love is a leap. I was never inspired to jump.

Victor Hugo: The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. Loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.

A cure for my blues and the reason for my recent sore thumb: Grand Theft Auto III. All hail the people who made Play station 2. God bless you folks.

To one of my best friends Princess Fuz: I changed. You changed. The amazing part is ‘we’ dint. That is what great friendships are all about. Love ya girl!

Its a little unnerving when you cant tell your best friend about your year old blog, cuz you're scared that she'll read it and figure out things about you (since she happens to be a smartass and knows you the way nobody else does) that even you arent willing to admit to yourself.

Filmy. Very filmy.

I thrive on drama. So much so that now the pattern of ‘ordinary’ in life scares me. The luke warmness of emotions is terrifying. I asked a friend what are you passionate about? He gave me the usual work and studies reply. No problem. I take that as an answer, just not a very good one.
Yes I have seen too many Indian movies. And read too many romance novels. Listened to a few too many songs. To the point that now a life without a lot of happiness expressed in the loudest manner ever, a life without the deepest sorrow, a life without love that scalds your heart and burns through your soul, a life with no idea about notions like ecstasy, love, passion, hate, anger, bliss, madness.. a life devoid of feelings in their purest and primal form, a life that just consists of days being spanned out to merely fulfill the act of existing… to me, this life doesnt seem a life at all.
Unless you can cry tears that will shake the heavens, and laugh even harder… live, hope and dream in the noisiest and most dramatic way ever…. Unless you dont do that, how will you ever know you really lived?

To belong or not to belong...

For the first time in 21 years and 8 months of my life, I feel like an outsider in my own city. I dont understand why people here think the way they do. Im past the point of being able to comprehend their reasoning. I feel like I am being judged and scrutinized. I make others uncomfortable with all that I say and all that I do. And now, I am starting to make myself uncomfortable as well. For the first time in my life, I feel like I dont belong here anymore.

Muah ha ha

Ratigan: Oh, I love it when I'm nasty.

The Great Mouse Detective

Musing (abusing)...

The funny thing about quetta… not the funny Oh my god, that's so funny, I think I gave myself a heart attack from laughing so much, but the other funny Oh my god, am I really from this God forsaken place funny… so anyway, the funny thing about quetta is that this city is so frikkin small that its like high school all over again. You go out with somebody, you break up and you start going out with someone else. Chances are the next someone else is the previous someone else's best friend. Then you break up with the second someone else and start dating a third person, who turns out to be a cousin of the second someone else. Yep, that's how far you get to go, that's how big this city really is.
All I gotta say is, Thank God for our parents, who we are still scared shit off. We never got around to doin the dating scene when we were still in quetta. Sort of makes me feel better to know that my potential/non-existent boyfriend hasnt already dated half of this city.

Currently, my fave song: Ek nazar mey bhi pyaar hota hai…

Been watching: Scent of a woman… WHoo ha!

Xena, the warrior princess, and Dr. K getting married… how very weird. Truly peculiar.

Droopy’s sister S got married. Her mamoo called from KL and cried his eyes out on the phone. I dont think it was the marriage or losing S part he was crying about. It was probably the realization of the amount of time gone by that hit him. Funny how we need speed breakers like that to make us stop and breathe.

I think beauty is wasted on some people if they dont have anything else to show for it. Have I said that before? i have right? just goes to show how very strongly i believe in it.

Tried and tested: to avoid getting constipated due to change in diet and water, eat lots of achaar. An upset stomach is just a small insignificant consequence. Can be easily ignored. At least you arent constipated anymore.

I desperately hold on to the faith that life doesnt need to be this hard. That happiness is a choice.

Temping!

Have you heard?
Im temping.

I was motivated. With all the recent hype in our class about who is doing what, with whom and where (Im talking about electives/internships, you sickos :P), I thought why not put my hols to a 'good' use as well. It will be some extra credit (that I have no idea will be helpful in any way later on, or not). Most importantly, it will make my parents happy.

Happy parents = Satisfied parents = no daily queries about whether I am studying or not = 6 weeks of no comments about how I shouldn't be wasting my time = happy me.

Yes, we all have ulterior motives. Spending six uneventful weeks at home with everyone in a good mood seems to be mine.

So a week ago, I put my grand plan into action and set foot into the world of crying children, pooping babies and smelly wards. I started working in the Paeds Department.

Safo says she loves doing her electives at UPenn. She's having the time of her life, she's made new friends and she's trying to experience the place on her own too. She even got lost once recently when she set out to sightsee.

Hmm… funny how things aren't very different at my side either. I did lots of getting lost too... In fact, I lose my way all the time. In the hospital hallways, in its grounds, in its parking lot. So you can imagine all the fun Im having. If you're there and happen to see a girl in a white coat, carrying a purse and a journal, walking straight ahead, gaze fixed on the ground, come say hi to me.
You might also see a man running after me, saying, Baji baji, where are you going? The OPD is the other way.
That's my dad's driver. Say hi to him too. He loves the attention. :D
The gaze down and fixed is a rule, by the way. Self-inflicted, I might add. Have you ever been to quetta? You'd understand if you had.

Yeah, so like Safo, I've made friends too. There's Akhtar, my dad's peon. He's a total sweetheart, bent on converting me, a no-tea person, into a tea-oholic by the time I go back to Karachi. Then there are the Consultants I am working with, Dr. A and Dr. B. Under-paid, over-worked, good souls. And of course, the male House Officers; how could I forget them. They make it a point to stare. A lot. I mean, seriously dudes, that's so last century. And the attendants who come with the kids. The female lot mistakes me for a doctor and showers me with smiles and admiration. The male lot mistakes me for a doctor and turns their back on me, pointedly ignoring my presence, while talking to the consultants.
Yeah, these are my friends. See, one big happy family.

Of course being mistaken for a doctor isnt always this fun or comfortable. A lot of patients come up asking for directions. I told one woman that I didnt know the way either. She gave me a really evil look (all residents of our dear city will know what Im talking about. Our qta-women can make your skin curl and convert you into sputtering pile of putty with that look if you arent careful. You’ll wish you were dead and six feet under already.)
So now with all direction-seekers, I pretend to not know their language. It makes things so much easier.

And then there were some people who mistook me for a doctor, came up to me and asked me for lots more then just directions. What was my reaction, you ask?
A sputtering pile of putty.
I blushed, I stammered, and then I picked up my jaw from where it had fallen on the ground and tried making a cool exit. (These are the perves, I warn you. Steer clear, steer clear.)
Yeah, so that was that. I dont think I’ll be living down this one anytime soon.

Oh, but then it comes to the kids.
And Im it...
I dont need any convincing. Just when you think you've had enough with screaming babies, weird parents, noisy families, a mother will bring in her year old baby, who was born pre-mature at 7 months, has low immunity, and is currently suffering from a chest infection and fever. And also, that baby happens to have the widest, biggest, most beautiful smile that you've seen in the whole day. He goo-gaas at you, slobbers on your hand while you examine him and apparently doesnt know what crying is. Or an 8 year old girl will come in, who looks like a pixie, smiles at you from behind her elder sister and collapses into fits of giggles when the doctor tries examining her stomach. Or the 6 year old boy with big eyes, who comes in straight from school, still in his uniform, too sleepy to sit straight on the stool. Even when they are sick, these kids warm your heart and touch your soul.

On your way home then, despite all the perves, and the weirdos, and the intolerable family members, your find yourself thinking, yeah, today was a good day.

My two cents' worth

I will hurl if I ever hear a guy call one of his friends janu, jaan (or anything similar) again...
When we ladies say stuff like that, we look cute.
When you guys say it, you sound gay.
So quit it.

In other headlines, too much wedding talk. Uff... way too much wedding talk. A friend is getting nikah-fied soon. Is ecstatic. Whoopdeedoo. I am happy for her, I really am, she is an excellent friend of mine but excuse me if I dont feel like getting hitched ASAP or like in the next thirty years or so. Another friend that has already married a couple of months ago is a constant billboard for wedding bliss, an eye sore for a cynic like me. Yet another friend is getting engaged in the summer to her cousin. She is too far away to hit or curse with any effective results.
So there.
Im in an extra-nauseous mood nowadays so if there is any more talk of weddings or happily-ever-afters around me again, I will hurl. I repeat, I will huff and puff and HURL. Disgusted yet? Lets move on.

I think the actual trouble is liking someone. Im not talking about love or lust or all the other boring lyrical flowery yada yadas. Im talking about genuine appreciation for someone. Like Sarah JP put it in Ellen's show:
In the long run, you gotta like em. All the other stuff is in a moment that goes away.

I totally agree with you female, even though you remind me a little too much of my youngest aunt, which makes me want to change the channel everytime I see you... but nevertheless you are absolutely right. I think, no wait, I know... I know you have to appreciate somebody, appreciate all that they are about, like them for who they are to be able to bear them, tolerate them, compromise for them and to be able to love them in the long run.

Im sorry if I look/sound like such a deer-caught-in-the-headlights cynic when it comes to the marriage deal but even though, at a few rare lose-ur-mind-and-watch-it-melt-away instances I have imagined myself to be in love, now I dont think it was worth the effort. I never began with liking the person for who he was, it was flattering to be liked/loved and from thereon, for short delusionary periods I imagined myself to be in love. But now, in complete sanity, I'll tell you I was not. In love, that is. The delusional part Im not commenting on.

So yes. I will convert from my reject-all-things-called-marriage way of life.
Dont fret Mum, I will. One day.
When and if I meet someone, I can totally and honestly appreciate. Appreciate him for his mind, his brilliance (if he has any), his visions, his character, his honesty and his genuinness (is that even a word??... but you get the zist dont you)
Once there is the appreciation, there will be respect and eventually, hopefully, perhaps with time, there may even be love.

Till then, singledome is not so bad after all :D

P.s: Came across one of Aisha's latest posts, The overseas marriage thing, and even though it has nothing in relevance to my insane midnight ramblings, I thought it was a really good read.

Bored with existence

I dont know how my hours are spent. Everyday slips into the next, eventless and vague. I cant recall anything I did yesterday or the day before or a week ago. I find myself hypnotized and stupefied by the TV noise and the colours are a blur. The calendar shows me a stretch of days, a stretch of time with repeated movement that constitute of feeding myself and sleeping. Bored with existence.

I stare at the screen, waiting for it to light up. A part of me believes you miss me but I wonder who will break first. You or me? The thought of showing my weakness in front of you is the only thing that is keeping me from dialling your number. My ego wont allow me that luxury. How long will your resolve last? I stare at the screen and wonder.

When I had convinced myself of your insignificance and bolted all doors in your face, all it took was a simple reference of ‘aap’ to remind me of you.

To Dazed, with love: Some days, I could just wring your neck and walk away.

A year. 12 months. Seems centuries ago. Sees like happened to somebody else. All that remains is a dull ache. Like a forgotten ailment, that hurts every once in a while to remind you of its existence. Pulsates in the background. Instead stands a gaping hole. 12 months and counting.

And then I saw you...

I dream. A lot.
Literally, figuratively, metaphorically… in all ways that one can dream. My actual dreams are turning into nightmares. Into actual nightmares. I wake up sweating, trying to shake their vividness off. If I was scared before, I am terrified now. I dont think I'll ever be able to trust
again.

On to brighter topics..

You know how you go to some blogs and they've posted poetry and song lyrics and stuff like that, and you skip all of it.
Well... dont do it now.
I know I post a lot of songs.
I know it gets boring every now and then.
But seriously... this song, dont skip it.

Pat green… Wave on wave

Mile upon mile got no direction,
We're all playin the same game.
We're all looking for redemption,
Just afraid to say the name.

So caught up now in pretending,
That what we're seekin is the truth.
Im just looking for a happy ending,
All Im looking for is you.

You came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save?
You came upon me wave on wave.

I wandered out into the water,
And I thought that I might drown
I dunno what I was after,
I just know I was goin down.

Thats when she found me
Im not afraid anymore
She said “You know I always had ya baby
Just waitin for you to find what you were looking for.”

You came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here.
Am I the one you were sent to save
When you came upon me wave on wave.

Wave on wave
Wave on wave

The clouds broke and the angels cried
You aint gotta walk alone
Thats why he put me in your way
And you came upon me wave on wave.

And you came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here.
Am I the one you were sent to save
When you came upon me wave on wave.

Bucky Covington performed it in last week's show...
Excellent excellent excellent... Im speechless...
So this is a tribute to him, to his amazing voice, to the double cute-ness (the Buck n Rock of it :D)...
oh and to Chicki... who is crazy about him....:D

Yes I have a lot of farigh time...

American Idol... the programme is entertaining... the aftermath isnt.


The stupid music company, Im guessing he signed up with Clive, have managed to turn him into a sugary pop princess...
Sob...
My Bo...
...who managed to make it to the top 2 last year
...who sang the hell out of Vehicle, For the love of money, I cant get no satisfaction and Sweet Home Alabama...

They took the King of Rock and turned him into Britney Spears... sob....

Lets hope his next album is more him...




Meanwhile...

Im rooting for Chris Daughtry in the hots department.

He is so much better then Vin Diesel. Please stop comparing them...

And oh boy, can he sing :D







For everyone who thinks Taylor isnt cute.... need I say more?? he he...

Sundays are slow and Mondays are blue

Ace is hot. But Chris is hotter. No no… hottest ive decided. Right up there with Eric Bana, a little below Bo Bice. Bo Bice toh is Maha hot! :D And he came on the show this week, the night the boys sang. Was in the audience. And they only showed him once. I mean, he did make it to the finals and he ALMOST won last year didnt he. They could at least ask him to say something or at least they couldve showed him more than once.

I have decided that Im going to obsess freakishly about American Idol whether anyone likes it or not. Till May at least, when they will tell all us sad obsessed stalker lot who won. Then as always, I wont bother finding out if the winner actually got around to making an album. That reminds me, Bo Bice’s new album needs to go on my MUST HAVE list.

Something else on my MUST HAVE list is a digital camera. Yes Im still in the dark ages, I dont have a digi-cam. So now I want one. Very very very bad. The new Sony Cybershot. The thin sleek model. My hands start itching every time I see one. Anyone out there who happens to be in lurve with me and who also happens to be filthy rich (the mysterious ways of fate… Ive a rule about never questioning them)… please get me that camera. I promise to love u back forever and ever and ever. Or at least I'll pretend I do while you can promise you wont know the difference. Illusions are better then the truth sometimes. What you dont know wont hurt you, you know.

A friend of mine made my day yesterday. What would've otherwise been an extremely boring Sunday was just boring, because I spent a hour and a half in the afternoon chatting with her. It is strangely fun and liberating being able to laugh on nothing in particular. And babe, when you call me Churail, I know you're just suffering from an inferiority complex cuz Im so fab... muah ha ha ha!!!! (evil laugh in case you dint know)

Ooh Oohhhh and I finally finally finished A million little pieces by James Frey. An incredibly easy read. Loved the way he wrote it. Its funny how he came on Oprah's show a few months back, how she did her usual the whole the book was so good, I couldn't put it down act and how a few months later she was all huffy puffy and upset cuz some of the stuff he had written was fabricated. Well, fact or fiction, whatever you wanna call it, the book is good. It is well-written and it is interesting.

Some excerpts from it are :

I want to run or die or get fucked up. I want to be blind and dumb and have no heart. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I want to wipe my existence straight off the map. Straight of the fucking map.

I took a lot of punches for that bull shit, and every time I threw a punch back, and I threw one back every single time, I threw it back for her. I threw it back as hard as I fucking could and I threw it back for her.


And now for my very fave part, where I leave you with the song of the week…
this is Everything by Alannis Morrisette..
cheerios all you lovely folks... Ta!

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you've never met anyone
As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I'm the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
As positive as I am sometimes

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive agressiveness can be devistating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone who's closed down as I am sometimes

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I am the funniest woman that you've ever known
I am the dullest woman that you've ever known
I am the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate

And you're still here
And you're still here
And you're still here

Been reading

The Young man came to the Old man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It's in a million little pieces.
I'm afraid I cant help you.
Why?
Theres nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
It's broken beyond repair. Its in a million little pieces.
- A million little pieces by James Frey

01. 03. 2006

11:00 pm
In bed. Dog tired. Very proud of myself for making an attempt to correct my sleeping habits.

11:10 pm
Intercom rings.
Table seems a million miles away. Cant get up. Dont wanna get up. Dont get up.

11:15 pm
Sms beep. Ann tells me not to worry.

11:20 pm
Intercom again.
Nope. Still not getting up.

11:39 pm
Sms beep. Dazed thinks im rude. An acronym he made up which is actually pretty sweet in its context compared to the word itself.

11:48 pm
Sms beep.
Message memory almost full. Delete old messages. Takes me 2 minutes. Back to new sms. Shanz discusses a mutual friend's father's death.
Depressing topic. I feel like crying again.

11:53 pm
Sms beep. Memphis says basant is on Sunday and am I still mad at him?

11:59 pm
Sms beep. Memphis again.
Yeah M, I'll mark your proxy. Go away now. Shoo shoo...

12:06 am
Sms beep. Lint is annoyed at me. Says mean stuff.
I delete the sms. Sorry dude, too frikkin late in the night to deal with emotional baggage.

12:15 am
Intercom rings. Cousin enters room in an attempt to pick it up. Said cousin lives downstairs. Said call is also from downstairs. Said writer thinks her family goes mad after 10 pm.

12:20 am
Intercom again.

*sigh* *curse* *mutter*
Yeah?
Aunt wants to know if I was sleeping.

12:25 am
Intercom rings.
Should I ignore it?
Grand mum wants to know which upstairs door is open.
Get out of bed and check all doors. No door is open.

12:32 am
Sms beep. Memphis is eternally grateful. Apparently my proxy-marking ability has him bound and loyal to me for as long as he lives.
Wonder if he'll feel any pain if I strangle him with his kite string.

12:34 am
Beep beep. IB wants to know if Im sleeping.
Almost tempted to say yes I am, I have this amazing power of answering messages without actually haing to wake up. How cool is that, right.

12:36 am
Sms beep. Sum asks about tomorrow's strike status. Will anyone burn our bus if we go on that field trip.
That idea seem very pleasant in my current state of sanity (insanity?)

12:40 am
Beep beep. Another sms.
Ib thinks I need some excitement in my life.

12:45 am
Awful headache. Cant think straight. Panadol zindabad.

01:00 am
Out of bed. Lights on. Headache has turned into a full raging migraine. The whole irani circus is running around and jumping on my nerves.
Silently contemplate a digging site in my room, where I could murder my cell phone and intercom and give them a proper burial.

And just this afternoon, I thought life was boring.

p.s: to anyone who says why dont I turn my cell phone off, im in perpetual fear of missing out on some life altering news in case I turn my mobile off.
Yes, im mad, I know.
Unfortunately in my case, its a full 24 hour affair instead of the familial after 10 deal.

I first saw you a few years ago, and thought you were oh-so-good-looking and fine…
I waited for something else to appear.
A wicked sense of humor maybe...
kick-ass attitude...
originality...
amiability...
or a little character perhaps… ???
anything that could support your physical perfection…

So I waited..
And waited..
And waited…

I cant believe that **this**is all there is to you…
I cant believe how disappointed I am…
oh well..

The good, the bad and the ugly

2:00 am: Passing through Clifton:

I love these streets. Wide and wonderfully lit.
And there on the sidewalks, I saw people settling down into corners, getting ready to sleep. Torn worn-out clothes, unshaven faces, just a thin chaddar to cover themselves with through the night. These were the bad lot.

I looked at them and pitied their life. They chose to live on these streets, sleep on the ground, go hungry for days and all that for what? The momentary high that a needle prick provided? What a waste of life.

(Im told I suffer from a mental condition where I think too much.) Then I thought about the rest of us who had gotten it right. It being the concept, the logic, the gist of life. Were we any happier? Like rats in a maze, who keep running into the same corner again and again, or like the mouse running in the same spot in the small rudder who is made to believe what he is doing is essential for existence. Werent our lives much more empty and meaningless at times, with not even the solace of the same needle prick to look forward to? At least their high, when it came, was complete and perfect. Could we say the same for our elation?

Someone very close to me was (is?) into drugs… we were talking about it and I implied that its not something one should get involved in, yeh achey logo key karney key kaam nahi hain. He looked at me and said, does it change who I am? Does it make me a bad person then?

To date I havent been able to answer that.

Had this person not been an important part of my life, I wouldve promptly replied, yes it makes you a bad person. There’s a black area and a white area, the right and the wrong and you just crossed the line between it. So yes, that makes you a very very bad person. However knowing this person made all the difference. I dont think he is a bad person, havent ever thought that for a single minute. I guess feelings do that, make you biased to the faults of the people you love. To someone else he might be a junkie, an addict, a good-for-nothing but to me he is a friend who messed up somewhere along the way. A friend who's a vegetable under external influences most of the time, is nevertheless way better than someone who cant hold anything except his sick mind and perverted ways of thinking responsible for his actions.

This discussion made me wonder some more. So I was a good girl for not going near drugs. He did drugs but I didnt think him the true bad.

Question was… if a junkie didnt make it into this clique, who did?
If drugs dont make a person bad, then what does?