Convinced yet again...

He is the Al-Mighty, the All knowing...
(I love you, Allah... for the mercy and love You shower me with, even when I dont deserve it)

Like so many times before in my life
I stand here again
Same place
Yet again convinced of His love for me.
When I had lost hope,
And gone mad with despair,
Thinking nothing could come to any good now,
What I loved and had worked so hard for is lost
Everything is lost.
Allah told me, hold on,
This is for the best.
It’ll come to you.
Be patient and hold on.
I cried, I lamented, I held on,
Dint know what else to do.

Met zuljin yesterday.
He told me stuff I hadn’t known than.
I came back home and cried again
This time with relief
And happiness
I felt blessed and loved
I had been too human
I had failed to understand
I had accepted the “best”
But failed to understand…
It was a relief to finally understand
To finally know..
What had happened had really been for the best
It had never been my fault
It hadn’t been me…
It was a relief to be able to stop the self-blame process
It was a relief to finally understand why Allah had taken away what made me happy
It was a relief to finally understand His love behind His apparent cruelty
It was a relief to be able to let go finally, to let the past slip away

A strong cup of Coffee..
A brownie from Hobnobz...
An old friend...

Some days feel like nothing can go wrong...

logon say aksar yeh kehtay suna hai,
key zinda rahay to phir milain gay,
magar is dil nay hamesha yeh mehsoos kia hai,
keh miltay rahay to zinda rahain gay.

I read it on this blog a few days ago... A few words take away effort on your part to explain how you feel

Still in shock...

I was saddened and disgusted beyond belief when I read this a few days ago. Instead of punishing the person responsible, the couple's marriage was dissolved??? The last I remember, the punishment of rape had been different...

Just finished the sixth book in the series of Harry Potter, The Half Blood Prince.
It was excellent.
And dont give me the crap about it being for kids. Read all six books for yourself and then tell me you arent waiting for the seventh one.
Though I still feel awful about the ending. Like I had said once before, isnt it bad enough that people you love die in real life. Why does it have to be that way in books and movies too. These two are supposed to be my escape from the realities of life Id rather close my eyes to than face. (see, thats why I love fairytales… happy endings and happily-forevers are my kind of thing…)
Dumbledore died... I still havent gotten used to the fact that Sirius Black is dead, now they kill one of my other favorites in the series…

Not fair. **sniff**

Mo, Ive decided, is crazy. He remembers every little detail from all six books. When I say every little, I mean every little. He freaked me out big time yesterday with all sorts of stuff that I dint even remember was ever there in the books. Remember RAB? Remember the necklace? Remember this, remember that? Onnnnnnnnn he went.
But he is smart, that ill say. Oh, and he thinks Dumbledore is not dead (YAY!) cuz Avara Kedavra spell leaves no mark, and something weird had happened to Dumbledore when he died.

Go figure.

All I know is that if the oldy doesnt come back in the next two books, I know who to kick for getting my hopes all up and running.

After some meaningful and deep soul searching… well, not really, Im just trying to avoid studying, and since the TV has been taken over by Baby Titan, Im left with nothing to do but blog.

But khair, after some meaningful and deep soul searching, I think Im more on the path of accepting life the way it is. Or atleast one aspect of life that had been bothering me a lot lately.
Im not at all perfect, not even close to it. More human than I was ever planning to be. So it bothers me that she would still expect us to be happy-larky-bestest buddies after everything that happened.

I mean where were you when we were actually something close to best buds?

I may be a bitch most of the time, I may be an inconsiderate ass, I may be a lot of other things but when it comes to being fair and loyal to my friends, I think Ive always done well on those grounds. Ive always tried going way out my way to be supportive and everything else I am supposed to be.

So what happened was a stroke of bad luck for me, I know. Not her fault I admit. So knowing and admiting that, I did what I was supposed to do, as a good person and as a good friend (I go thru these phases sometimes, much to my dismay). I still dont regret my decision or my sacrifice. I dont regret what I lost. But ill be damned if she thinks it will all be ok if we just close our eyes to it. That nothing has changed. Wake up, woman. Everything has changed. I have changed. For good or bad, I duno. But I have. So stop pretending that everything can go back to the way it was. It cant. We could still be friends, good ones maybe, but please stop acting like you have my best interest at your heart. Tried and tested, you dont. So enough of the act. I couldnt come to terms with it earlier, was in denial for a long while, but Im tired of it now. Im tired of the present-all-smiles smsz and the phone calls. Im tired of feeling guilty when I havent even done anything. Im tired of acting like everything is bright and shiny and happy between us when it isnt. Im tired of watching you act blind. Please just for 5 minutes acknowledge the fact that nothing is ok between us. That everything has changed. Maybe after that you could realize the consequences of what you did, what I did… maybe than we could truly move on and try giving ‘being real friends’ another shot.

Till than ill remain irritated at you, and this time without any guilt. I dint do anything to deserve this guilt and you bloody well know it.

Run Lola (in this case, sohnii) Run

I present to you the runner.
Yep. Me. Moi. The Runner.
I’ve always loved running.
In 10th grade, I ran the 100m race on Official School Sports Day, didn’t stop at the finish line, ran straight into the audience section and toppled over a few chairs. They gave me the first prize for being so over-enthusiastic :D

I still love running. I’ll prefer it over any other form of physical activity meant to burn calories. If I had enough perseverance I would probably spend an hour or two on my treadmill everyday (but since its manual, I hate it.)

Yeah, so I’m a runner. I run from everything that remotely frightens me in real life as well. especially feelings... other people’s and my own. I am emotion-o-phobic. The closest I’ve come to appreciating love is in books, movies or in real life, that of my family’s. The rest I am still allergic to. A guy who used to be in school with me once commented (he said and I quote) : What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you break out in hives every time I tell you I like you?
Sorry mate. It wasn’t you. It was me.

It still is me. Anything that remotely resembles emotions, commitment and the whole affair (no pun intended), I break out into a sweat and look for the nearest exit. If someone catches my fancy, the most I’ll do is talk to him and maybe flirt a little (or a lot... :) I am human, you know) but as soon as there is anything resembling an involvement looming on the horizon, I’ll be having mini-heart attacks. Then watch me convince him and myself that there isn’t anything between us.

I don’t know what the deal with me is ok (Stop giving me/my blog dirty looks!)
Maybe it’s a congenital defect, or perhaps a complex syndrome induced due to Substance abuse (I had insane amounts of Coke and Channa Chat in school I admit….
*guilty, looking down on the floor*) or maybe I am just plain crazy.

Whatever, it is, here I am, still a runner. Maybe I should take off my trainers for a while, see how it feels to sit in one place for longer than 10 minutes. Tried doing that once though. Then automatically thought about the possibility of getting hurt or worst, not getting hurt, actually committing to that person and planning a whole life. That was when I reached out for my shoes again and got out of the door as quick as I could.

For those of you still wondering about my previous “looking for the perfect guy” posts, in my defense I come up with I’m confused. Yeah I want a nice guy, humor and the whole package, but I cant stop running as soon as someone even a little like that approaches.
I think I have unsettled issues.
I think I need to see a therapist.

She was beautiful. God I loved her. I just didn't know how to show it, that's all. I killed her, Red. I didn't pull the trigger, but I pushed her away. And that's why she died, because of me.

Andy Dufresne - The Shawshank Redemption

See how I did, what do u think?

I took this quiz:

What Mythological Creature are you? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Angel.

Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest and to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel.

Pass the mirror please!

5th grade:
dad taking me to the hair dressers. me ending up with something resembling a micro-bob. dad thinking its cool. me... i just wished i could disappear somewhere till they grew back.

7th grade:
being tall is not fun, especially when everyone in your year is a foot shorter than you... even the guys.

9th grade:
ugly duckling hasn't left the building yet. wish i had discovered the wonders of wax back than.

O-levels farewell:
what the hell did i do to myself, i still dont know. pink eye shadow, pink lipstick, pink me = ugly me

A-levels:
short hair, taller people around me. i feel a little at home. maybe it'll all be ok. i mite just make it. the hair color did wonders i think.

Present Uni-life:
nope. i give up. im not going to make it. Im still tall, fat and the ugly duckling is back for good.

And I would do anything for love, I’d run right into hell and back
I would do anything for love, I’ll never lie to you and that's a fact
But I’ll never forget the way you feel right now, oh no, no way
And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, I won't do that
Anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, oh I won't do that

Some days it don't come easy, and some days it don't come hard
Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end
Some nights you're breathing fire, and some nights you're carved in ice
Some nights you're like nothing I’ve ever seen before or will again
Maybe I’m crazy, but it's crazy and it's true
I know you can save me, no one else can save me now but you

As long as the planets are turning, as long as the stars are burning
As long as your dreams are coming true, you better believe it

That I would do anything for love, and I’ll be there till the final act
I would do anything for love, and I’ll take a vow and seal a pact
But I’ll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way tonight
And I would do anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
Oh I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, no I won't do that
I would do anything for love, anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

Some days I pray for silence, and somedays I pray for soul
Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n roll
Some nights I lose the feeling, and some nights I lose control
Some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls
Maybe I’m lonely and that's all I’m qualified to be
There's just one and only, the one and only promise I can keep

As long as the wheels are turning, as long as the fires are burning
As long as your prayers are coming true, you better believe it

That I would do anything for love, and you know it's true and that's a fact
I would do anything for love, and there'll never be no turning back
But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long
And I would do anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, no no no I won't do that
I would do anything for love, anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that

But I’ll never stop dreaming of you every night of my life, no way
And I would do anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
No I won't do that

Will you raise me up, will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less cold?
I can do that! I can do that!
Will you hold me sacred? will you hold me tight?
Can you colorize my life, I’m so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?
I can do that! oh oh, now I can do that!
Will you make me some magic, with your own two hands?
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?
I can do that! oh oh now, I can do that!
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known?
I can do that! oh oh now, I can do that!
After a while you'll forget everything
It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night's fling
And you'll see that it's time to move on
I won't do that! no I won't do that!
I know the territory, I’ve been around
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down
And sooner or later, you'll be screwing around
I won't do that! no I won't do that!
Anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, no I won't do that


I would do anything for love (but I wont do that) - Meat Loaf

That’s the funny thing about me, I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.

Xander - Buffy the Vampire Slayer


See thats why I like Buffy. It makes sense to me. What people say in it makes sense to me and i can relate to it.

Its tiring trying to interpret what people say to you. They think one thing, they say something else, and they mean something else entirely and im lost somewhere in between trying to translate the words, the signals and the whatsnot. Plus since i consider myself a bit slower than the rest, i like it better when people are straight with me, and they say what they mean and mean what they say.
(huh? i dint make sense to myself there as well, dont worry :D)

Adorable Shabbir

Shabbir Pics uploaded (courtesy of Ann and Sum)
I know Im crazy but look at him and tell me you dint go awww :D
He's so cute!
And i held him when he was just a day old! :D :D :D

Loving T.V...

TV is a good thing. Bright colours. Music. Tiny little people.

Jerry Maguire: I love you. You... complete me.
Dorothy: Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at "hello."

Jerry Maguire


I love it when things are simple. When how u feel doesnt need a 1000 word essay to get across.

I miss those times...

Baby S!

Razia had a baby boy!!!
on wednesday
she named him Shabbir.
he is the most adorable little angel ever :D
he is shooo cute, with his tiny hands and feet
he woke up for like 5 seconds when i was holding him and then he went back to sleep
soooooo adorable :D
i felt like taking him and running away somewhere before razia could catch me...
lol, i know i have an evil mind but you guys dint see the baby :P

Tuesday was sad though.
one of the babies born that day had been dead for more than 12 hrs.
it was a girl, and she was all cyanosed.
We attended the delivery during our gynae evening.
i almost cried when i saw the baby, blue and all.
i dont have a big heart for things like these

i hope i dont see that again.
i wanna see more happy and sleeping babies, like razia's
i wanna see happy mothers who think med-students like us are crazy when we hold their babies for the longest of times and dont wanna let go

(oh n i definetly do not wanna see patients like Bibi Gull again who think Im lying about knowing persian and pushto just because i do not resemble uzbeks. She was a nightmare!)

note to self: *focus*
maybe ill post a pic of baby S, if anyone bothers sending ghareeb-camera mobile-less me his pic.

on a happier note, im glad i met razia. she was a delight. one of the sweetest souls ive come across. i hope she is always happy with her little baby, and the rest of her kids and family. Allah Mian, please keep her safe and healthy and happy always.

James Cole: Look at them. They're just asking for it. Maybe the human race deserves to be wiped out.
Jeffery Goines: Wiping out the human race? That's a great idea. That's great. But more of a long-term thing. I mean, first we have to focus on more immediate goals.

Twelve Monkeys

Im the Queen of weird dreams...

Make way for the Aunty!

Got myself specs two days ago...
which i refuse to wear..
have had this spec-o-phobia all my life that i'll look like an aunty in them
and now i have to wear them :'(
i couldn't be more miserable about it

so yeah, make way for the aunty!! as if looking older than my age wasn't bad enough, now i have to look like an old buddhi aunty.... argggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Matthew [at Gareth's funeral] - Four Weddings and a Funeral


Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings. He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in. In order to prepare this speech, I rang a few people, to get a general picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him. Fat seems to be a word people most connected with him. Terribly rude also rang a lot of bells. So very fat and very rude seems to have been a stranger's viewpoint.
On the other hand, some of you have been kind enough to ring me to tell me that you loved him, which I know he'd be thrilled to hear. You remember his fabulous hospitality... his strange experimental cooking. The recipe for "Duck à la Banana" fortunately goes with him to his grave. Most of all, you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy. When joyful, when joyful for highly vocal drunkenness. But joyful is how I hope you'll remember him. Not stuck in a box in a church. Pick your favorite of his waistcoats and remember him that way. The most splendid, replete, big-hearted, weak-hearted as it turned out, and jolly bugger most of us ever met.
As for me, you may ask how I'll remember him, what I thought of him. Unfortunately there I don't have words. Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn from my own feelings to the words of another splendid bugger: W.H. Auden.

This is actually what I want to say:

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum,
Bring out the coffin...Let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead,
Scribbling on the sky the message: He is Dead.
Put crepe bows 'round the necks of public doves,
Let traffic policemen wear black, cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East, my West.
My working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
I thought love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now, put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour out the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good."

He's all that

You know how when you love someone too much, nothing seems good enough for them? You’ll look at something, and go, nah! They deserve way better.

The very same way, I always thought no one would ever be good enough for the wonderfully--crazy--fire breathing--fiercely loyal--over bearing--incredibly funny person that she is. No one could ever measure up to what I thought she deserved. She deserved so much more than what all those guys had to offer.

Go away with your emotional baggage and the whole crappity circus, I would mentally bash them.

Rejected everyone remained.

Until one day.

Her: he’s amazing.
Me: who is?
Her: him.
Me: no he isn’t. no one can be amazing. I’m sure you could do better.
Her: you don’t even know him
Me: well, ok lets get to know him than. He mite be nice, but im sure, amazing he’s not.

Off I went to meet him and give my approval and blessings to the happy couple.

Female you’re doomed, you the rational one, you’re not thinking straight. Too much heart, not enough brain. don’t expect so much, Im sure he isn’t that amazing, I thought on my way there.

Two hours later, I came out thinking, not bad. Not bad at all
Two years later, Im thinking, he’s amazing! :D

The obsessive creepy psychotic guy that I expected.
Not there.
Instead I met this wonderfully warm and funny person who really actually loved her the way I thought she deserved to be loved.
No ego (amazing), no false pretences.
And he pampers her like crazy (ok, I admit, Im a bit jealous here :D)
And its not about just treating her right, although I think he is a genius at that.
What’s wonderfully surprising is the fact that he is a really really (I mean really!) nice guy.
A complete gentleman.
Good sense of humor, no creepy ickiness about him.
And amazingly no attitude problems.
I mean, really!

After two years of knowing him, I wanna dance my hop-around-be-happy-dance each time I think about them together.

P.S: I’ve been meaning to write this post since some time now, and now I have a writer’s block. Duno how to end it. I mean I could go on about how great he is and how perfect they are for each other. Like today, I commented to a friend, he’s a super banda. She laughed and said, the type whose twin you would want for yourself???
That made me think.
The way I saw it, I’m pretty ok with falling for anyone within the range of semi-psychotic to a little-normal. But for her, only the best would’ve done. For her, he is what I had always wanted.

Awesome u, Janni Bhai!

About a Boy

[Fiona is crying]
Fiona: I mean, he's a special - very, very special boy and he's got a special soul, and I've wounded it.
Will: Oh, please, just shut up. You're wounding my soul.

Fiona: Will, am I a bad mother?
Will: No. No, you're not a bad mother. You're just a barking lunatic.

Sush: Doesn’t matter what you told her, yar. How could she even think that doing
something like this was ok?!! She didn’t just bend the whole friendship code,
she broke it. Friends don’t do that to each other.

My loyal best friend. One of the many reasons I adore her to bits n pieces.
Love you, girl. You rock!

Bulleh Shah's Kalam

Christian, you may see me only as a drunken, vice-ridden gnome whose friends are just pimps and girls from the brothels. But I know about art and love, if only because I long for it with every fiber of my being.

Toulouse Lautrec -Moulin Rouge

I heard this song for the first time when I was in school.
Torn by Natalie Imbruglia.
After so many years, it is still one of my favourites.
Love it. Love it. Love it. :D

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry

That's whats going on, nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's tell us right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn
Torn
There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn

Is it just me going crazy or is Faisal Shah (guy in Ankhiaan and Aadat video) one of the cutest guys I have ever seen.

Totally cute.
Totally adorable.

Me like!!!

A woman was brought to the Obs. ward today. She had a baby yesterday at her home and hadn’t stopped bleeding since than. She bled for a complete day before anyone of the jaahil idiots (read: her husband and his family) bothered bringing her to the hospital.

She died in the afternoon because of postpartum hemorrhage.

I hate people.
I hate what they are capable of.
I hate her family for not bringing her in on time. She could’ve been saved.

Saira, Samad, Khurram, Ali and everyone else who donated blood… thank you for doing your part in trying to saving her.





Plan # 22475: Take charge.
Wherever you can.
Whatever way possible in which you can.
Try being a part of the solution.

Someone sent me this quiz and look who i turned out to be....
Think its me???

Which Peanuts character are you?



You are Schroeder!

Watching Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, the part where Mad comes down, wearing a bluish purple saree (im a little color blind, soree :D) and Salman says a *shair* for her....

Dad (smiling) : dont you wanna write that down somewhere?
Me: huh?

Than i felt all warm and glowy and fuzzy inside. He noticed I loved poetry, even though i had never mentioned it to him or said it in front of him. But he knew I did. Awwww, daddy I wuvv you soooo much!



Mum (to chicki about me) : Dont leave my daughter out of your plans. Us ko ghar pey akele chord key mat janaa.

Haye Amma jani, they never leave me out of their plans but I love you so much for worrying that they do.