To Zuljin...

A few years back, during A-levels, I used to be happy. Dreams lost and forsaken, but mind and soul at peace. Moved out of home than, left it for “the search of a brighter future”. The three years since than ran over me, battering me in the process, till the time I lost sight of who I was and what I had sought out to be.

Maybe it was the new place, new people deal…
Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t fitting in even though I appeared to be doin ok…
Or maybe it was just me missing home and its familiarity in the face of the new scene…
Fact was whatever the reason, I had lost myself in the process…
I forgot the things I loved doing and why I loved doing them…
I forgot who I wanted to be, and not just the whole ‘I wana b a doctor’ picture, but the person I wanted to be, I forgot that.
I forgot all that was important to me.
I forgot myself somewhere along the way.

And for all these times, there’s usually somebody who pulls u back, lets u breathe…

Zuljin called and I griped…
“I dunno who I am anymore”
“I know who u are, Ive always known who u are”
“well, I don’t anymore ok. Nothing that I do matters anymore to me, and I couldn’t give a damn about anybody rite now”
“Relax… think… whats missing?”
“peace, maybe? Contentment? Im just not happy”
“What makes u happy?”
“nothing anymore”
“ok, than what used to make u happy…”
“Stuff…”
“so why don’t u do all that stuff now?”
“huh?”

Good question.
Why dint I do all that now?

A lot of things hadn’t gone the way I planned, many of them blowing up in my face, giving me semi-permanent psychological scars, some austere enough to be permanent.
So what had I done?
Shut off the manual, and gone on auto-pilot.
Build walls around my old life, and not let myself be.
“Try stepping back, being who u were. This is just a different place, different people, some that u mite hate, yeah… but why not give it a try? What have u got to lose?” Zuljin figured.

Thanks.
I make life miserable for u, tell u I wont accept u this way or that way.
U come along with a band aid every time I scrape my knees.
I tell u, ur views and plans are stupid and that u arent the person u used to be.
U just smile and listen to me rant.
Truth is u still are the person u always were. U mite be doing some other stuff now, stuff that I happen to be not-so-crazy about but ure still the same old.
Ure still my friend. And u still care.

U dint let me lose sight of who I was.
Thanks for always being there to pull me back, for letting me breathe.