Do you ever have those days when all you really really (really!) wanna do is scream at the top of your lungs?
Pick up a baseball bat and completely and totally trash everything around you with it?
Lock yourself in and torch the whole place?
Today is one of those days for me and I feel like blasting everything in sight.
Its not fair.
Its just so bloody not fair.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Fantastic Four!
You know the good thing about the four of us?
(Honey, Chicki, Baby Titan and me)
So many things in the world and we are the only four people who will understand the humor and irony in them, at the same time.
(Honey, Chicki, Baby Titan and me)
So many things in the world and we are the only four people who will understand the humor and irony in them, at the same time.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Humor me…
Sometime back, I commented that to make a relationship work, you have to be more accepting of your-not-so-perfect-better-half. You have to compromise a lot, and that too willingly and happily, you have to learn to meet him halfway.
For all that I did rant on about previously, I forgot to mention one small detail. Humor. (Read: funny)
I love Humor, laughter and the whole package. I’ll be the one with a 24/7 smile. I’ll be the one kidding about everything from deathly serious to insanely… well insanely insane. The thing being, I cant function otherwise. He has to have it for me to able to stay happy and sane with him. There cant be any compromise on that, I’m afraid. Now I don’t want Jay Leno to drop out of the sky for me. Am not a big fan of him, waisey bi, but yeah… I need to laugh a lot… its like Vitamin supplements, something I cant function without. I need to joke about things that actually worry the hell out of me. I need to joke about them to take their edge off, to be able to view them rationally. I need to joke incessantly to make it through the daily drudgery of life. To remind myself that life might be a shit-hole if I let it be… only and only if I let it be. I joke to stop it from becoming that.
So Mr. Funny has to be him.
Not the clown funny. But funny-funny. The type who wont think of me as a 12 yr-old retard kid if I laugh at almost everything (which I admit, I do, most of the time). The type who wont look at Johnny Bravo and wonder what the hell is so amusing about him that makes me want to sit and watch cartoons ( I mean, seriously!! Its Johnny Bravo…. THE Johnny Bravo… or have you not heard).
Who understands the need to laugh, to smile, to joke about things in life to make it through. Who likes laughing insanely, madly… without any reason. Who smiles at things, just because they remind him of people, places or events. Who in fact, wont even need a reason to smile. Who will smile and laugh through life, just because that is his way.
Cuz that is who he is.
For all that I did rant on about previously, I forgot to mention one small detail. Humor. (Read: funny)
I love Humor, laughter and the whole package. I’ll be the one with a 24/7 smile. I’ll be the one kidding about everything from deathly serious to insanely… well insanely insane. The thing being, I cant function otherwise. He has to have it for me to able to stay happy and sane with him. There cant be any compromise on that, I’m afraid. Now I don’t want Jay Leno to drop out of the sky for me. Am not a big fan of him, waisey bi, but yeah… I need to laugh a lot… its like Vitamin supplements, something I cant function without. I need to joke about things that actually worry the hell out of me. I need to joke about them to take their edge off, to be able to view them rationally. I need to joke incessantly to make it through the daily drudgery of life. To remind myself that life might be a shit-hole if I let it be… only and only if I let it be. I joke to stop it from becoming that.
So Mr. Funny has to be him.
Not the clown funny. But funny-funny. The type who wont think of me as a 12 yr-old retard kid if I laugh at almost everything (which I admit, I do, most of the time). The type who wont look at Johnny Bravo and wonder what the hell is so amusing about him that makes me want to sit and watch cartoons ( I mean, seriously!! Its Johnny Bravo…. THE Johnny Bravo… or have you not heard).
Who understands the need to laugh, to smile, to joke about things in life to make it through. Who likes laughing insanely, madly… without any reason. Who smiles at things, just because they remind him of people, places or events. Who in fact, wont even need a reason to smile. Who will smile and laugh through life, just because that is his way.
Cuz that is who he is.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Nigare subah teri arzu mey khoya gaya
Woh shabe chiragh jisey teirgy sey nafrat thi
Woh ik harfe junoo jo ada hua sare daar
Woh khush jamaal jisey khudkushi sey nafrat thi
Jo chahta tha labe surkhe yaar ka mausam
Junoo ba doshe wisaal bahaar ka mausam
The beauty of morning was lost in your quest.
That night lamp that confounded darkness;
That mad utterance made at the gallows;
That handsome lad who loathed suicide;
Who longed for the season of red lips.
Who longed for the season of madness on the eve of union.
Hassan Abid
Woh shabe chiragh jisey teirgy sey nafrat thi
Woh ik harfe junoo jo ada hua sare daar
Woh khush jamaal jisey khudkushi sey nafrat thi
Jo chahta tha labe surkhe yaar ka mausam
Junoo ba doshe wisaal bahaar ka mausam
The beauty of morning was lost in your quest.
That night lamp that confounded darkness;
That mad utterance made at the gallows;
That handsome lad who loathed suicide;
Who longed for the season of red lips.
Who longed for the season of madness on the eve of union.
Hassan Abid
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Some excerpts from the brilliant Latin American writer, Carlos Fuentes’ publication, This I believe.
- Eventually I realized that knowing how to be together without saying a word was, ultimately, a superior level of friendship. It was respect. It was reverence.
- I am concerned about the barbaric stance of preventive war. I am concerned by the diversion of fight against terrorism to the selective overthrowing of tyrants if they happen to sit on barrels of oil.
- “Pay attention,” she says, “or you will not have the right to love me and be loved by me.”
- We remain decrepit, ruined prisoners of the last great revolution, which was Romanticism.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
A chapter of my life at its end...
When the dust settled, what i remembered was not how different we were or how much we fought, but that i was important to you and that you cared. That had always meant a lot to me and always will.
Im glad you were a part of my life.
Happy Birthday!
Im glad you were a part of my life.
Happy Birthday!
Monday, July 25, 2005
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Shakespeare had the right idea
And when I shall die, take him and cut him up in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will fall in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun.
Juliet -Romeo and Juliet
Juliet -Romeo and Juliet
Buffy, I’m thrown by this, I’m confused... - But I can feel my skin humming, my hands, my every inch of me. I’ve never been this excited about anybody before. I’m not trying to scare you, and I’m not going to force myself on you. But I’m, by God, not going to walk away because I think it might not work.
Riley - Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Riley - Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I was criticized for believing so strongly in my beliefs and faith just because I was born a Muslim. Criticized that what I loved and held dear were ideas that had been passed on to me by generations, not some point that I had reached by myself. That the faith of those who had been non-believers and come to the point of believing by some twist in fate (I insist on calling it Allah Mian’s hidayat and blessing on them), was atleast understandable and logical. I was criticized and condemned and looked down upon for my faith.
I just smiled and pretended to listen. And my heart kept on glowing with love for Allah. Cuz in the end, isnt that what faith is all about? Holding on when you are given every reason to let go?
I just smiled and pretended to listen. And my heart kept on glowing with love for Allah. Cuz in the end, isnt that what faith is all about? Holding on when you are given every reason to let go?
Friday, July 22, 2005
Looking for perfection...
I grew up in a Bollywood-supreme era and I read more than my fair share of romance novels. Oh and than there were the English movies and songs that left their mark. Between all the dusky Indian heroines with beautifully made eyes, the ready-to-die-for-them Indian heroes, the conquering-all-odds love stories and the rest of the circus, I dreamt of a Romeo too, that would come riding on a beautiful stallion and break out into a funky dance number to prove his love.
Lol, well, no. That is a bit far-stretched.
But yeah I did think about falling in love, I did dream about meeting the perfect guy who had everything to offer, and I dreamt about a perfect life.
Im past my teen years now. Somehow those dreams seem to be fading fast as well. I guess growing up does that to you. Bring you from your la-la dream land and ‘splat’ into the reality. Sad really, the loss of that innocence and child-like candor. The more I look at myself and people around me, the more I realize how naïve the idea of a perfect person is. I don’t think I will ever come across him even if he exists. I don’t think I even want to, after so many years of wishful thinking.
Why?
Cuz well, Im not a perfect person. And I don’t think I will ever really be one. I know where I stand with my looks and persona, and I don’t wanna change either one of those to fit into the role of somebody’s perfection fantasy. Isnt that what love is all about? Falling for somebody imperfect and accepting them for what they are, and who they are. Cliché it does sound, I know, but it still rings true for me. So do I wanna be with someone damn good looking, loaded with money and a perfect life? Yeah, those are perks. But as strange and unbelievable as it sounds even to my own ears, I’d rather be with someone half-way decent (full-way decent does not exist….fact), who can accept me for who I am and try not changing me. And I’d probably try doing the same, accept him for who he is. And maybe, along the way, if we try compromising, meeting half way, and understanding where each one of us comes from, maybe just maybe it’ll all work out. Yeah, so the perfect person doesn’t exist. But why cant the perfect life?
Lol, well, no. That is a bit far-stretched.
But yeah I did think about falling in love, I did dream about meeting the perfect guy who had everything to offer, and I dreamt about a perfect life.
Im past my teen years now. Somehow those dreams seem to be fading fast as well. I guess growing up does that to you. Bring you from your la-la dream land and ‘splat’ into the reality. Sad really, the loss of that innocence and child-like candor. The more I look at myself and people around me, the more I realize how naïve the idea of a perfect person is. I don’t think I will ever come across him even if he exists. I don’t think I even want to, after so many years of wishful thinking.
Why?
Cuz well, Im not a perfect person. And I don’t think I will ever really be one. I know where I stand with my looks and persona, and I don’t wanna change either one of those to fit into the role of somebody’s perfection fantasy. Isnt that what love is all about? Falling for somebody imperfect and accepting them for what they are, and who they are. Cliché it does sound, I know, but it still rings true for me. So do I wanna be with someone damn good looking, loaded with money and a perfect life? Yeah, those are perks. But as strange and unbelievable as it sounds even to my own ears, I’d rather be with someone half-way decent (full-way decent does not exist….fact), who can accept me for who I am and try not changing me. And I’d probably try doing the same, accept him for who he is. And maybe, along the way, if we try compromising, meeting half way, and understanding where each one of us comes from, maybe just maybe it’ll all work out. Yeah, so the perfect person doesn’t exist. But why cant the perfect life?
Dont even think it!
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL… five words I absolutely hate. You don’t know how I feel. And you wont know how I feel in a million years unless you stand here in my shoes, go through hell like I did, come out battered and broken, than carry the scars for the rest of your life. So see you cant even begin to imagine how I feel. Why would you assume than, that saying these five words will make me feel any less crappier?
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
6 years and counting…
I don’t believe in the power of the mind. To be able to forget things it wants to forget is not one of its superhuman strengths. You can get over things you want to get over, you can go on with your life and pretend its all good, but I don’t believe you can ever forget. Us humans, we just aren’t built that way.
In 2nd year, I learnt something quite interesting in physiology. Human mind works in two ways to remember. Reward and punishment. Something that stimulates its reward area is stored in its memory. Same goes for anything that stimulates its punishment area. Everything else in between falls nowhere and hence is not important enough to be remembered. So you’ll be remembering what it was like to fall in love for the first time, or breaking up, or acing your O/A levels, or getting in the worst fight ever. But what you wore three years ago, what your neighbor’s mother-in-law’s name was, and what you scored in the last test before your terms doesn’t unfortunately get any memory slot.
Its been six years, and here I am still wishing THIS hadn’t gotten any memory slot too. Wishing I could have just forgotten about it in two weeks. Really forgotten about it. Where when you trying remembering stuff, all you get is hazy sketches and a migraine for thinking too much, instead of glaring details and a painful reality. I wish friends weren’t an important part of my life, I wish trusting people too much hadn’t been my weakness, and I wish I wasn’t such an all time believer of the goodness of humanity. I wish I would wake up one day, look back at my last year in school, and not remember all this. I wish I wouldn’t remember that lie, I wish I wouldn’t remember that friend, I wish I wouldn’t remember my emotional exhaustion after that, I wish I wouldn’t remember all that it took away from me for good, I wish I wouldn’t remember any of it.
Cuz 6 years and counting, it still hurts. Even if you cover your heart up with layers and layers of other stuff, whenever you uncover all that, the wound is still there, fresh and raw, refusing to heal. I wish this had been one of those things too, like the name of a class fellow in 3rd grade who you didn‘t know existed. I wish this would fall somewhere between the good and the bad as well, refused and rejected by my mind to be remembered forever.
In 2nd year, I learnt something quite interesting in physiology. Human mind works in two ways to remember. Reward and punishment. Something that stimulates its reward area is stored in its memory. Same goes for anything that stimulates its punishment area. Everything else in between falls nowhere and hence is not important enough to be remembered. So you’ll be remembering what it was like to fall in love for the first time, or breaking up, or acing your O/A levels, or getting in the worst fight ever. But what you wore three years ago, what your neighbor’s mother-in-law’s name was, and what you scored in the last test before your terms doesn’t unfortunately get any memory slot.
Its been six years, and here I am still wishing THIS hadn’t gotten any memory slot too. Wishing I could have just forgotten about it in two weeks. Really forgotten about it. Where when you trying remembering stuff, all you get is hazy sketches and a migraine for thinking too much, instead of glaring details and a painful reality. I wish friends weren’t an important part of my life, I wish trusting people too much hadn’t been my weakness, and I wish I wasn’t such an all time believer of the goodness of humanity. I wish I would wake up one day, look back at my last year in school, and not remember all this. I wish I wouldn’t remember that lie, I wish I wouldn’t remember that friend, I wish I wouldn’t remember my emotional exhaustion after that, I wish I wouldn’t remember all that it took away from me for good, I wish I wouldn’t remember any of it.
Cuz 6 years and counting, it still hurts. Even if you cover your heart up with layers and layers of other stuff, whenever you uncover all that, the wound is still there, fresh and raw, refusing to heal. I wish this had been one of those things too, like the name of a class fellow in 3rd grade who you didn‘t know existed. I wish this would fall somewhere between the good and the bad as well, refused and rejected by my mind to be remembered forever.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Best things in life...
- Waking up to see that mum/dad have flown all the way from Q-town to give us a surprise visit… cuz they missed us..
- When it rains unexpectedly
- Finding out that a new Hobnobs branch has opened next to Shazz
- Photographs that turn out brilliant
- New shoes that make my feet look perfect
- Laughing until my stomach hurts
- Unexpected praise
- To wake up and realize its still possible to sleep for a few more hours
- Getting a perfect score in A levels
- Winter days... when it snows and I cant feel my nose
- Agha calling back when I accidentally give him a missed call
- A hot shower when its cold outside
- Seeing my best friend Sush after two years and realizing the distance just made me love her more
- Finding out that a Pharma test I was dreading just got cancelled
- When my cat cuddles up with me in the middle of the night, purring happily
- Looking at the sleeping form of Baby Titan (chotu bhaiyaa), and being hit with so much pride and love that it leaves me breathless
- Finding out I scored an A in med-ward when I was actually dreading failing
- Getting a laptop after months and months of wanting one
- To have somebody I adore, tell me they love me.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
To the King and Queen
Stereotyping
How many of us do that unconsciously when we see somebody. We categorize people and place them into society marked boxes. But maybe between all that categorizing, there are grey areas, where people aren’t really this or that. Maybe they are both, a bit of this and that. Is it even fair doing that, labelling and stereotyping them? How many of them do we actually know enough to do that correctly? People can surprise you when you least expect them to. So maybe the next time around, when we open our little chest with all those boxes, we would think about the fact that somebody else just might be shutting us in one of their own little boxes…
Friday, July 15, 2005
Blogging yesterday made me realize what a freak of a blog my own was. I mean its completely disoriented with one post about something I read somewhere, in another I rant about the love-hate realtionship I share with my cat, and then there is my latest buffy-angel obsession. My blog isn’t even anything remotely soulful, insightful and all the other “-fuls” that are there. But than again I was never really too soulful or insightful myself. I am in all reality, this buffy-obsessed, cat ranting, disoriented freak of nature type person. Personally, I kinda like being that way...
There's still hope...
After a really long time, did a girls-day-out with some people in Karachi.
Totally loved it.
It was a blast.
And not just a fun-fun kinda thing, but rather a fun-content type, where you never leave your comfort zone and the fun is the type you wanna remember for a long time.
I think Safo’s rite… I think we mite just make it through baqai… survive the whole experience, if we get to have good friends at the end of it... I think I already started out on that...
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Loving it...
Im enjoying myself on this blogging thing more than ill ever really be admitting to anyone. The fact that I am writing again, is intoxicating… literally. I may not be able to write so well, not very good with fancy words you see, but I write for myself alone, and that is a fun thing to do… gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling, the one u get after having chocolate or listening to ur favourite song … that endorphin rush works wonders for me.
Time well-spent
Had an Angel-othon week with breaks here and there, for eating sleeping uni and stuff. Finally made it thru all 22 episodes of the last season. Watched nine of those today.
**Note to self: don’t try that again… gave me a headache and I was seeing two of everything by the end of it. **
Bless you Safo, with your DVD and all.
Confession: I kinda like Spike more, lol, don’t hate me please. I still think Angel is hot (he’s gained a bit of weight, nahi?)
But Spike has that attitude rite down to perfection. And his swagger is just A-mazing! Excuse me while I take a moment to collect myself. Lolz, and the way Angel is annoyed by him is just hilarious. Plus the competition over the whole hero-soul-turning human-loving Buffy had me in laughing fits.
One of the characters I liked a lot in this Angel series was Fred. She really comes across as this warm, funny, weird person. Plus she is really adorably cute with her button nose. I was so sad when she died. I was hoping Fred and Wesley would get together and live happily ever after. I hate it when they make Tv programs a little too much like reality where people get one last kiss and than die in the arms of the one person they love the most. As if we didn’t have enough of that dying crap in real life. I kept hoping till the last episode she would turn back into her human form. But other than that dark cloud, Fred was absolutely lovely.
One person Im kind of glad remained dead was Cordelia. Don’t like her all that much. Cordie always seemed artificial, compared to the rest of the girly gang. And her and Angel together? Bad move. No chemistry at all. Not the way Buffy and Angel had it. Well, even Spike and Buffy dint have that chemistry even though they looked oh-so-cute together, and he was awfully sweet to her the last two seasons. But the real chemistry was always Buffy and Angel. Nobody could beat that in both the serials.
My favorite person in the whole Joss-creation still remains Buffy. No signs of her in this season though. But she is perfection personified. She is cute, lovely hair, smart and plus she kicks ass way better than both Angel and Spike combined. Female empowerment revolution, and she seems as if she took over the whole thing like a storm. Sarah Michelle is one hell of an actress. U actually start believing she has that life, she is fighting those demons, she is in that skin and she is really Buffy. Hats off to u, Mr. Joss Whedon, you created the perfect character and you chose the perfect person to play it.
The SMILE TIME episode was sooo cute. Lol, wasnt Angel adorable as a puppet, complete with his down-turned mouth, frown and those eyebrows. Lol and the felt nose that came off. He he.. :D I still cant stop smiling (read: big wide grin) I liked the end of the Conner-coming-back episode. I liked it how he got to knew about the Angel being his dad and being ok and not homicidal about it. It was sweet. My heart went out to Angel. Made all his effort worth-while. And oh, Conner being so cute is a big perk. Also, the Cordelia coming back episode was sweet, not a big fan of Cordi, but still liked that episode. Oh n that episode when Angel kept having those nightmares was super. Another favorite was SHELLS episode when Fred actually dies and Illyria completely takes over. It is so heart-breaking the way Wesley is completely distraught over it. Very very sad. But the last episode took the cake. Bahot zabardast! From the very first to the very last minute was absolutely amazing. U want to be with Fred, illiyria says to Wesley. They say a simple line and keep u thinking about it for hours. But why did they have to shoot gorgeous-Lindsay… sad but still the numero-uno episode of the whole season. I cant get over this last season of Angel. It was absolutely everythin that was amazing, captivating, brilliant and good TV. I always thought Buffy serial was better than the Angel serial but comparing the last seasons of both, this last season of Angel won the race long before Buffy’s last season even started. Absolute Genius. Still in awe.
Do I make sense? Oh GOD its Buffy-Angel-Spike invasion, they’ve taken over my mind. Now I wont be able to study for pharma. That excuse satisfies me for like 10 seconds max. But seriously, I really like the Buffy-Angel thingy now. How sad cud I be to let TV consume my life (or the lack thereof) in such a way.
**Note to self: don’t try that again… gave me a headache and I was seeing two of everything by the end of it. **
Bless you Safo, with your DVD and all.
Confession: I kinda like Spike more, lol, don’t hate me please. I still think Angel is hot (he’s gained a bit of weight, nahi?)
But Spike has that attitude rite down to perfection. And his swagger is just A-mazing! Excuse me while I take a moment to collect myself. Lolz, and the way Angel is annoyed by him is just hilarious. Plus the competition over the whole hero-soul-turning human-loving Buffy had me in laughing fits.
One of the characters I liked a lot in this Angel series was Fred. She really comes across as this warm, funny, weird person. Plus she is really adorably cute with her button nose. I was so sad when she died. I was hoping Fred and Wesley would get together and live happily ever after. I hate it when they make Tv programs a little too much like reality where people get one last kiss and than die in the arms of the one person they love the most. As if we didn’t have enough of that dying crap in real life. I kept hoping till the last episode she would turn back into her human form. But other than that dark cloud, Fred was absolutely lovely.
One person Im kind of glad remained dead was Cordelia. Don’t like her all that much. Cordie always seemed artificial, compared to the rest of the girly gang. And her and Angel together? Bad move. No chemistry at all. Not the way Buffy and Angel had it. Well, even Spike and Buffy dint have that chemistry even though they looked oh-so-cute together, and he was awfully sweet to her the last two seasons. But the real chemistry was always Buffy and Angel. Nobody could beat that in both the serials.
My favorite person in the whole Joss-creation still remains Buffy. No signs of her in this season though. But she is perfection personified. She is cute, lovely hair, smart and plus she kicks ass way better than both Angel and Spike combined. Female empowerment revolution, and she seems as if she took over the whole thing like a storm. Sarah Michelle is one hell of an actress. U actually start believing she has that life, she is fighting those demons, she is in that skin and she is really Buffy. Hats off to u, Mr. Joss Whedon, you created the perfect character and you chose the perfect person to play it.
The SMILE TIME episode was sooo cute. Lol, wasnt Angel adorable as a puppet, complete with his down-turned mouth, frown and those eyebrows. Lol and the felt nose that came off. He he.. :D I still cant stop smiling (read: big wide grin) I liked the end of the Conner-coming-back episode. I liked it how he got to knew about the Angel being his dad and being ok and not homicidal about it. It was sweet. My heart went out to Angel. Made all his effort worth-while. And oh, Conner being so cute is a big perk. Also, the Cordelia coming back episode was sweet, not a big fan of Cordi, but still liked that episode. Oh n that episode when Angel kept having those nightmares was super. Another favorite was SHELLS episode when Fred actually dies and Illyria completely takes over. It is so heart-breaking the way Wesley is completely distraught over it. Very very sad. But the last episode took the cake. Bahot zabardast! From the very first to the very last minute was absolutely amazing. U want to be with Fred, illiyria says to Wesley. They say a simple line and keep u thinking about it for hours. But why did they have to shoot gorgeous-Lindsay… sad but still the numero-uno episode of the whole season. I cant get over this last season of Angel. It was absolutely everythin that was amazing, captivating, brilliant and good TV. I always thought Buffy serial was better than the Angel serial but comparing the last seasons of both, this last season of Angel won the race long before Buffy’s last season even started. Absolute Genius. Still in awe.
Do I make sense? Oh GOD its Buffy-Angel-Spike invasion, they’ve taken over my mind. Now I wont be able to study for pharma. That excuse satisfies me for like 10 seconds max. But seriously, I really like the Buffy-Angel thingy now. How sad cud I be to let TV consume my life (or the lack thereof) in such a way.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Back to Karachi and not loving it
On my way to uni, in the car:
The heat is unbearable, better than last year this time but still unbearable. Im expecting some catastrophic event to occur, something along the lines of people lying on road sides, dehydrated, gasping for a few drops of cold water (yep, im the one with the flair for drama) but life goes on.
Cool orange drink advertisement. Anything with COOL stamped across it looks good to me.
A bus has ‘yeh waqt bi guzar jayega’ written behind it.
Very literal.
Cynical mother nature.
Assault on my senses. The smell :S
Some signs are just mixed signals.
Like ‘raqeeb ki ahat’ behind that truck.
Meant for somebody else.
Note to self: Don’t dwell on it
Train of thoughts: Some things arent meant to be. Sort of comforting, that is, as harsh as it may sound the first time around. Means something else out there is meant to be, and its still there waiting to happen. All is not lost. Gives me hope.
Sir Q-z patho class:
Again, why am I here?
Pretty embarrassing. I havent adjusted to the heat yet and cant stop sweating (excuse moi). So much for keeping myself hydrated and my kidneys working (not trying to sound gross, just talking about drinking lots of water). Sir Qamar doesn’t look too happy to see us. Sour expression. Maybe the weather is getting to him as well. Atleast I got a seat under the fan. Dil ko khush kar rahii hoo. I could make the fan go faster manually, compared to its present speed. Bloody admin people. Could arrange for a few Acs around the uni, but nooooo….. (**** am trying my hand swearing at them). Oh by the way, you do know I’m not going to stop complaining right? Just setting the record straight.
We must be pretty gunehgaar log to be blasted this way. I can stand winter so much better. Oh Allah, Im really sorry for all that Ive done that might’ve angered you, but please just make this heat go away.
Psyche ward:
Its official. Baqai hates its teachers as well. The fan seems even slower than the one in class. Am sooooooo sleepy. Safo is concentrating really hard on what Mr.guys-are-supreme-no-question-about-it is saying. Good Girl. I think she really got a shock from what Dr.sahab said earlier about boys being born leaders. Her mouth went into a silent O. I see, she hasn’t come across many people like this. Maybe ill take her to Q-town some day ;)
Could he be anymore slower. And whats with the chai? Nice of him to offer us some thou.
I think im going to fall now. Try not doin that on Mehi. She will definitely be squished under me.
Bad first day!
The heat is unbearable, better than last year this time but still unbearable. Im expecting some catastrophic event to occur, something along the lines of people lying on road sides, dehydrated, gasping for a few drops of cold water (yep, im the one with the flair for drama) but life goes on.
Cool orange drink advertisement. Anything with COOL stamped across it looks good to me.
A bus has ‘yeh waqt bi guzar jayega’ written behind it.
Very literal.
Cynical mother nature.
Assault on my senses. The smell :S
Some signs are just mixed signals.
Like ‘raqeeb ki ahat’ behind that truck.
Meant for somebody else.
Note to self: Don’t dwell on it
Train of thoughts: Some things arent meant to be. Sort of comforting, that is, as harsh as it may sound the first time around. Means something else out there is meant to be, and its still there waiting to happen. All is not lost. Gives me hope.
Sir Q-z patho class:
Again, why am I here?
Pretty embarrassing. I havent adjusted to the heat yet and cant stop sweating (excuse moi). So much for keeping myself hydrated and my kidneys working (not trying to sound gross, just talking about drinking lots of water). Sir Qamar doesn’t look too happy to see us. Sour expression. Maybe the weather is getting to him as well. Atleast I got a seat under the fan. Dil ko khush kar rahii hoo. I could make the fan go faster manually, compared to its present speed. Bloody admin people. Could arrange for a few Acs around the uni, but nooooo….. (**** am trying my hand swearing at them). Oh by the way, you do know I’m not going to stop complaining right? Just setting the record straight.
We must be pretty gunehgaar log to be blasted this way. I can stand winter so much better. Oh Allah, Im really sorry for all that Ive done that might’ve angered you, but please just make this heat go away.
Psyche ward:
Its official. Baqai hates its teachers as well. The fan seems even slower than the one in class. Am sooooooo sleepy. Safo is concentrating really hard on what Mr.guys-are-supreme-no-question-about-it is saying. Good Girl. I think she really got a shock from what Dr.sahab said earlier about boys being born leaders. Her mouth went into a silent O. I see, she hasn’t come across many people like this. Maybe ill take her to Q-town some day ;)
Could he be anymore slower. And whats with the chai? Nice of him to offer us some thou.
I think im going to fall now. Try not doin that on Mehi. She will definitely be squished under me.
Bad first day!
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Losing yourself...
One of my very closest friends is getting married soon. Apart from thinking about what I wanna wear in her weddin (I should look better than everyone else, nai?) and how much I really really wanna come home to attend it, I got to do some ‘other’ thinking too.
The whole shaddi walla festive mood made me wonder about how my friend’s life s going to be different a few months from now. How different she herself is going to be the next time I meet her.
And it freaks the hell out of me, even though she is calm and as happy as can be.
She is busy designing her dresses while all I can think about is OMG somebody stop her, don’t do this, don’t do this :s
Crazy I am, that I know. But it is freaky.
Ur whole life changes the moment u sign a few papers that bind u with somebody else for the rest of ur life.
Not that I speak from personal experience. God knows, I am so not ready for anything even remotely related to this kind of a commitment.
Its not even like a new living arrangement or something. Its more drastic. A new place and new people (and im so phobic to the 2nd situation).
Everything changes.
Of course the docile and sheep-like females that we are, we are so ready to drop every last shred of the personality that developed over so many years. What u’ll see after the wedding is a sharmeeli and coy dulhan who will slowly evolve into a very common species of cow who agrees to everything her husband says. Where the enigmatic, smart and intelligent girl from before the wedding went, nobody knows.
What remains is a yes-sir.
Yes, I will wear what u like (doesn’t matter if I really wanna wear something else instead)
Yes, I will do parda (nobody shud look at me; of course the fact that u look at other women and forget to close ur mouth is a very slight minor detail. Can be over-looked. Not a problem)
Yes I will drop my male friends (if I had any in the first place that is. Of course we are fully aware of our sexualities and nobody can be friends without overlooking the other person’s gender. Not possible. And the fact that u, as my husband, know what their true intentions really are, is so remarkable. I mean, there is no place for any exceptions, right? And the fact that my parents have known my friends and their families all my life is not important. Right)
Of course I know marriage is a huge step and requires effort from both parties. Both the individuals need to compromise on many things to make that relationship work. Its not a me-me situation anymore, if u want it to work as an *us*.
But where we live, the woman is expected to do all the compromise, all the effort. Drop ur life, drop ur views, drop everythin u like and love.
Men = superior beings = not liable to any work or compromise
Fair… I think not
I duno, I guess its more our society than anything else. People aren’t willing to change. I dunno how long women are willingly ready to keep losing themselves in the name of a **happily married life**
Anyway, on a happier note, I wish my friend a very very happy life. :D
Personally, I think by now her mother is convinced that on my friend’s wedding day, out of the both of us, the one to cry her eyes out and faint will be… well, umm… me…
*grinning sheepishly*
The whole shaddi walla festive mood made me wonder about how my friend’s life s going to be different a few months from now. How different she herself is going to be the next time I meet her.
And it freaks the hell out of me, even though she is calm and as happy as can be.
She is busy designing her dresses while all I can think about is OMG somebody stop her, don’t do this, don’t do this :s
Crazy I am, that I know. But it is freaky.
Ur whole life changes the moment u sign a few papers that bind u with somebody else for the rest of ur life.
Not that I speak from personal experience. God knows, I am so not ready for anything even remotely related to this kind of a commitment.
Its not even like a new living arrangement or something. Its more drastic. A new place and new people (and im so phobic to the 2nd situation).
Everything changes.
Of course the docile and sheep-like females that we are, we are so ready to drop every last shred of the personality that developed over so many years. What u’ll see after the wedding is a sharmeeli and coy dulhan who will slowly evolve into a very common species of cow who agrees to everything her husband says. Where the enigmatic, smart and intelligent girl from before the wedding went, nobody knows.
What remains is a yes-sir.
Yes, I will wear what u like (doesn’t matter if I really wanna wear something else instead)
Yes, I will do parda (nobody shud look at me; of course the fact that u look at other women and forget to close ur mouth is a very slight minor detail. Can be over-looked. Not a problem)
Yes I will drop my male friends (if I had any in the first place that is. Of course we are fully aware of our sexualities and nobody can be friends without overlooking the other person’s gender. Not possible. And the fact that u, as my husband, know what their true intentions really are, is so remarkable. I mean, there is no place for any exceptions, right? And the fact that my parents have known my friends and their families all my life is not important. Right)
Of course I know marriage is a huge step and requires effort from both parties. Both the individuals need to compromise on many things to make that relationship work. Its not a me-me situation anymore, if u want it to work as an *us*.
But where we live, the woman is expected to do all the compromise, all the effort. Drop ur life, drop ur views, drop everythin u like and love.
Men = superior beings = not liable to any work or compromise
Fair… I think not
I duno, I guess its more our society than anything else. People aren’t willing to change. I dunno how long women are willingly ready to keep losing themselves in the name of a **happily married life**
Anyway, on a happier note, I wish my friend a very very happy life. :D
Personally, I think by now her mother is convinced that on my friend’s wedding day, out of the both of us, the one to cry her eyes out and faint will be… well, umm… me…
*grinning sheepishly*
Friday, July 01, 2005
To Zuljin...
A few years back, during A-levels, I used to be happy. Dreams lost and forsaken, but mind and soul at peace. Moved out of home than, left it for “the search of a brighter future”. The three years since than ran over me, battering me in the process, till the time I lost sight of who I was and what I had sought out to be.
Maybe it was the new place, new people deal…
Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t fitting in even though I appeared to be doin ok…
Or maybe it was just me missing home and its familiarity in the face of the new scene…
Fact was whatever the reason, I had lost myself in the process…
I forgot the things I loved doing and why I loved doing them…
I forgot who I wanted to be, and not just the whole ‘I wana b a doctor’ picture, but the person I wanted to be, I forgot that.
I forgot all that was important to me.
I forgot myself somewhere along the way.
And for all these times, there’s usually somebody who pulls u back, lets u breathe…
Zuljin called and I griped…
“I dunno who I am anymore”
“I know who u are, Ive always known who u are”
“well, I don’t anymore ok. Nothing that I do matters anymore to me, and I couldn’t give a damn about anybody rite now”
“Relax… think… whats missing?”
“peace, maybe? Contentment? Im just not happy”
“What makes u happy?”
“nothing anymore”
“ok, than what used to make u happy…”
“Stuff…”
“so why don’t u do all that stuff now?”
“huh?”
Good question.
Why dint I do all that now?
A lot of things hadn’t gone the way I planned, many of them blowing up in my face, giving me semi-permanent psychological scars, some austere enough to be permanent.
So what had I done?
Shut off the manual, and gone on auto-pilot.
Build walls around my old life, and not let myself be.
“Try stepping back, being who u were. This is just a different place, different people, some that u mite hate, yeah… but why not give it a try? What have u got to lose?” Zuljin figured.
Thanks.
I make life miserable for u, tell u I wont accept u this way or that way.
U come along with a band aid every time I scrape my knees.
I tell u, ur views and plans are stupid and that u arent the person u used to be.
U just smile and listen to me rant.
Truth is u still are the person u always were. U mite be doing some other stuff now, stuff that I happen to be not-so-crazy about but ure still the same old.
Ure still my friend. And u still care.
U dint let me lose sight of who I was.
Thanks for always being there to pull me back, for letting me breathe.
Maybe it was the new place, new people deal…
Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t fitting in even though I appeared to be doin ok…
Or maybe it was just me missing home and its familiarity in the face of the new scene…
Fact was whatever the reason, I had lost myself in the process…
I forgot the things I loved doing and why I loved doing them…
I forgot who I wanted to be, and not just the whole ‘I wana b a doctor’ picture, but the person I wanted to be, I forgot that.
I forgot all that was important to me.
I forgot myself somewhere along the way.
And for all these times, there’s usually somebody who pulls u back, lets u breathe…
Zuljin called and I griped…
“I dunno who I am anymore”
“I know who u are, Ive always known who u are”
“well, I don’t anymore ok. Nothing that I do matters anymore to me, and I couldn’t give a damn about anybody rite now”
“Relax… think… whats missing?”
“peace, maybe? Contentment? Im just not happy”
“What makes u happy?”
“nothing anymore”
“ok, than what used to make u happy…”
“Stuff…”
“so why don’t u do all that stuff now?”
“huh?”
Good question.
Why dint I do all that now?
A lot of things hadn’t gone the way I planned, many of them blowing up in my face, giving me semi-permanent psychological scars, some austere enough to be permanent.
So what had I done?
Shut off the manual, and gone on auto-pilot.
Build walls around my old life, and not let myself be.
“Try stepping back, being who u were. This is just a different place, different people, some that u mite hate, yeah… but why not give it a try? What have u got to lose?” Zuljin figured.
Thanks.
I make life miserable for u, tell u I wont accept u this way or that way.
U come along with a band aid every time I scrape my knees.
I tell u, ur views and plans are stupid and that u arent the person u used to be.
U just smile and listen to me rant.
Truth is u still are the person u always were. U mite be doing some other stuff now, stuff that I happen to be not-so-crazy about but ure still the same old.
Ure still my friend. And u still care.
U dint let me lose sight of who I was.
Thanks for always being there to pull me back, for letting me breathe.
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